Texts From Last Night · Dirty_530

Dirty_530_420's Favorites Texts:

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(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(512): View more from Texas

I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

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(785): View more from Kansas

In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better

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(630): View more from Illinois

Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine

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(714): View more from California

I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(816): View more from Missouri

At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Found a pint glass in my snow pants.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(619): View more from California

Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(205): View more from Alabama

btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(760): View more from California

Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty

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(607): View more from New York

My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(786): View more from Florida

And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(914): View more from New York

We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen

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(630): View more from Illinois

We are two peas in an std pod

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(319): View more from Iowa

i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(516): View more from New York

Man, jail baloney is awful.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(707): View more from California

Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(714): View more from California

considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.

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(310): View more from California

he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed

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(360): View more from Washington

tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.

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(516): View more from New York

Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'

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(850): View more from Florida

I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.

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(404): View more from Georgia

haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me

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(847): View more from Illinois

Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco

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(712): View more from Iowa

she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(917): View more from New York City

im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

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(347): View more from New York

These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

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(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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(217): View more from Illinois

just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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(518): View more from New York

i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

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(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(407): View more from Florida

This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.

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(954): View more from Florida

I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(+34): View more from Spain

what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."

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(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...

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(217): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(713): View more from Texas

I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character

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(518): View more from New York

All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up

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(216): View more from Ohio

For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(845): View more from New York

I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(631): View more from New York

She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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(716): View more from New York

I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(713): View more from Texas

She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(904): View more from Florida

hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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(518): View more from New York

it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(501): View more from Arkansas

What happened to him?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(309): View more from Illinois

I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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(289): View more from Ontario

eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.

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(678): View more from Georgia

For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(418): View more from Quebec

Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(818): View more from California

Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(310): View more from California

You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

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(303): View more from Colorado

you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

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(954): View more from Florida

I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.

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(520): View more from Arizona

New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.

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(716): View more from New York

My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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(501): View more from Arkansas

First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(516): View more from New York

I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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(903): View more from Texas

So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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(646): View more from New York

when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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(415): View more from California

And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!

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(757): View more from Virginia

he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(229): View more from Georgia

You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.

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(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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(720): View more from Colorado

He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(208): View more from Idaho

Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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(949): View more from California

shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones

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(906): View more from Michigan

nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(716): View more from New York

Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

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(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack

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(315): View more from New York

I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots

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(317): View more from Indiana

having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween

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(303): View more from Colorado

My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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(703): View more from Virginia

rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.

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(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(325): View more from Texas

As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(615): View more from Tennessee

took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now

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(770): View more from Georgia

Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.

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(443): View more from Maryland

shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.

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(815): View more from Illinois

so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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(817): View more from Texas

besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(813): View more from Florida

His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(850): View more from Florida

We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.

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(703): View more from Virginia

keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.

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(64): View more from New Zealand

Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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(541): View more from Oregon

New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(770): View more from Georgia

"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."

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(561): View more from Florida

And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just look for the house with the beer knights.

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(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

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(419): View more from Ohio

There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.

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(512): View more from Texas

On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(210): View more from Texas

Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall

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(281): View more from Texas

Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(347): View more from New York

A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm

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(214): View more from Texas

That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(850): View more from Florida

HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital

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(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

I love foreign exchange students.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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(314): View more from Missouri

the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Really* awful people.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(904): View more from Florida

now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(408): View more from California

Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(515): View more from Iowa

mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(210): View more from Texas

no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(410): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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(620): View more from Kansas

In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

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(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mattress luging...It's a long story.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(205): View more from Alabama

She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?

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(914): View more from New York

I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you

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(817): View more from Texas

he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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(224): View more from Illinois

someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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(970): View more from Colorado

But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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(404): View more from Georgia

just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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(817): View more from Texas

And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(713): View more from Texas

I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

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(813): View more from Florida

There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(818): View more from California

Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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(343): View more from Ontario

I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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(313): View more from Michigan

tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's only a little bit crosseyed.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(209): View more from California

She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(256): View more from Alabama

Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(317): View more from Indiana

update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough

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(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(212): View more from New York

The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(613): View more from Ontario

you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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(650): View more from California

i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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(513): View more from Ohio

successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

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(802): View more from Vermont

Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(514): View more from Quebec

Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

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(310): View more from California

I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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(912): View more from Georgia

well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.

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(716): View more from New York

Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(315): View more from New York

and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...

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(578): View more from

oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

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(647): View more from Ontario

Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings

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(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...

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(214): View more from Texas

a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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(518): View more from New York

you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

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(754): View more from Florida

Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(802): View more from Vermont

She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(914): View more from New York

So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.

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(518): View more from New York

i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee

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(636): View more from Missouri

The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career

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(818): View more from California

It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.

(1-818): View more from California

And this was for your brother's Christening?

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(503): View more from Oregon

The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(619): View more from California

he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(415): View more from California

I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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(631): View more from New York

the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(818): View more from California

ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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(661): View more from California

I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(347): View more from New York

i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(347): View more from New York

I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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(518): View more from New York

no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(850): View more from Florida

it's great music for shaving your balls

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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(618): View more from Illinois

When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(510): View more from California

ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(773): View more from Illinois

he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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(407): View more from Florida

Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(650): View more from California

Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(815): View more from Illinois

shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug

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(813): View more from Florida

It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(315): View more from New York

you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(845): View more from New York

I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(305): View more from Florida

I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(419): View more from Ohio

its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(305): View more from Florida

Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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(315): View more from New York

can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(662): View more from Mississippi

looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(315): View more from New York

at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(616): View more from Michigan

There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun

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(614): View more from Ohio

I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the prime rib incident all over again

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(850): View more from Florida

So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(702): View more from Nevada

is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?

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(937): View more from Ohio

We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

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(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.

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(361): View more from Texas

She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(520): View more from Arizona

while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.

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(631): View more from New York

Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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(952): View more from Minnesota

my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(954): View more from Florida

You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(647): View more from Ontario

hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(303): View more from Colorado

Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

They are making fun of natty and blackberries.

(646): View more from New York

Tell them they are ugly.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure

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(772): View more from Florida

Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am

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(585): View more from New York

I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(206): View more from Washington

I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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(256): View more from Alabama

oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(845): View more from New York

no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(512): View more from Texas

After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(775): View more from Nevada

At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(716): View more from New York

Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?

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(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(585): View more from New York

He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(516): View more from New York

my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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(631): View more from New York

I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(678): View more from Georgia

just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.

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(613): View more from Ontario

If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(347): View more from New York

CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(702): View more from Nevada

it was like having sex with a tree stump

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(425): View more from Washington

there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

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(325): View more from Texas

my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(716): View more from New York

is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened

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(303): View more from Colorado

mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(214): View more from Texas

Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

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(216): View more from Ohio

We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(904): View more from Florida

I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(416): View more from Toronto

Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.

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(409): View more from Texas

I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(801): View more from Utah

I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(510): View more from California

Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(720): View more from Colorado

For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(503): View more from Oregon

Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(512): View more from Texas

no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(845): View more from New York

just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(253): View more from Washington

Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(347): View more from New York

We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.

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(253): View more from Washington

she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(415): View more from California

This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(209): View more from California

Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(917): View more from New York City

I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.

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(518): View more from New York

Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(937): View more from Ohio

Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(925): View more from California

After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(216): View more from Ohio

my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.

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(925): View more from California

I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

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(818): View more from California

Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(831): View more from California

It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(972): View more from Texas

He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(706): View more from Georgia

She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(985): View more from Louisiana

It's like a mixture of two words

(985): View more from Louisiana

"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"

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(716): View more from New York

It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(913): View more from Kansas

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(925): View more from California

Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(407): View more from Florida

When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(757): View more from Virginia

then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!

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(586): View more from Michigan

This girl is very crazy

(586): View more from Michigan

She's one of those compassionate ppl

(586): View more from Michigan

So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her

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(323): View more from California

my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day

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(773): View more from Illinois

I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?

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(619): View more from California

So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...

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(503): View more from Oregon

...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, she has braces

(240): View more from Maryland

i meant the dude w the ponytail.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.

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(312): View more from Illinois

How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose

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(678): View more from Georgia

Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.

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(415): View more from California

What a fucking waste of an outfit

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(248): View more from Michigan

did you get my message about your dog?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

no... is he ok?

(248): View more from Michigan

no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair

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(818): View more from California

dude, i look like john mccains neck right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

you still trying to smash that chick?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober

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(248): View more from Michigan

Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll

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(616): View more from Michigan

yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.

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(847): View more from Illinois

we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.

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(818): View more from California

i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick

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(649): View more from Turks & Caicos

So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it

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(810): View more from Michigan

Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I need help removing her.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.

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(206): View more from Washington

It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.

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(646): View more from New York

it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(773): View more from Illinois

My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium

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(503): View more from Oregon

My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(480): View more from Arizona

Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(915): View more from Texas

like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(916): View more from California

It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(636): View more from Missouri

No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(607): View more from New York

Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(407): View more from Florida

Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(585): View more from New York

My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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(916): View more from California

17 year olds will be the death of me.

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(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(917): View more from New York City

Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(707): View more from California

We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck

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(716): View more from New York

just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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(612): View more from Minnesota

No subtext here. People are naked.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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(516): View more from New York

Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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(613): View more from Ontario

so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(310): View more from California

If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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(253): View more from Washington

dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(862): View more from New Jersey

watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin

(1-862): View more from New Jersey

doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

(804): View more from Virginia

i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

(786): View more from Florida

that would mean it's on tape

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(407): View more from Florida

Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

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(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(941): View more from Florida

Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(251): View more from Alabama

So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(818): View more from California

She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(970): View more from Colorado

in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(516): View more from New York

my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(707): View more from California

I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(415): View more from California

this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(217): View more from Illinois

It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(949): View more from California

i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(716): View more from New York

strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them

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(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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(727): View more from Florida

I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(925): View more from California

she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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(323): View more from California

Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

(803): View more from South Carolina

dude its may

(843): View more from South Carolina

Work with me here, man.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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(817): View more from Texas

just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(917): View more from New York City

she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(205): View more from Alabama

I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(817): View more from Texas

Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(425): View more from Washington

Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(310): View more from California

He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(334): View more from Alabama

Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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(740): View more from Ohio

well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(718): View more from New York

We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(607): View more from New York

I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(707): View more from California

I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on

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(562): View more from California

Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets

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(443): View more from Maryland

She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(786): View more from Florida

i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(512): View more from Texas

Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(847): View more from Illinois

oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

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(425): View more from Washington

I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.

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(406): View more from Montana

That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(732): View more from New Jersey

been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(518): View more from New York

As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(630): View more from Illinois

She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(571): View more from Virginia

how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(917): View more from New York City

someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(360): View more from Washington

Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

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(416): View more from Toronto

She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.

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(714): View more from California

I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?

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(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(571): View more from Virginia

All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet

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(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(631): View more from New York

i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(917): View more from New York City

you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(281): View more from Texas

FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive

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(615): View more from Tennessee

good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(302): View more from Delaware

He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(561): View more from Florida

My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(740): View more from Ohio

its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones

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(850): View more from Florida

I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today

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(714): View more from California

so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(573): View more from Missouri

I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.

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(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(212): View more from New York

It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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(818): View more from California

All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

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(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(703): View more from Virginia

She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(301): View more from Maryland

Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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(817): View more from Texas

idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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(216): View more from Ohio

the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast

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(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much

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(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

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(614): View more from Ohio

mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(703): View more from Virginia

positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.

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(925): View more from California

his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(770): View more from Georgia

finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

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(913): View more from Kansas

so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Did u at least say sorry?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(585): View more from New York

at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

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(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(512): View more from Texas

it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(419): View more from Ohio

He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

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(626): View more from California

Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(847): View more from Illinois

Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(807): View more from Ontario

Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.

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(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(858): View more from California

Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(503): View more from Oregon

There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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(253): View more from Washington

Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(925): View more from California

curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

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(804): View more from Virginia

Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(607): View more from New York

you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.

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(714): View more from California

we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.

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(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(626): View more from California

a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms

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(646): View more from New York

I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.

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(845): View more from New York

Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

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(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(706): View more from Georgia

He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(408): View more from California

Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?

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(812): View more from Indiana

How did your new apartment party go last night?

(219): View more from Indiana

I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(310): View more from California

He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.

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(650): View more from California

The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now

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(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(+47): View more from Norway

I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(248): View more from Michigan

Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"

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(566): View more from

According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(417): View more from Missouri

i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(917): View more from New York City

Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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(954): View more from Florida

you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(872): View more from Illinois

mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(714): View more from California

He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(614): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(438): View more from Quebec

that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?

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(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(248): View more from Michigan

They have a pepper shaker for pot.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Miracles do happen.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(214): View more from Texas

How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(302): View more from Delaware

They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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(914): View more from New York

He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(408): View more from California

New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.

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(207): View more from Maine

Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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(530): View more from California

Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(903): View more from Texas

I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(631): View more from New York

Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(631): View more from New York

He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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(214): View more from Texas

Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(914): View more from New York

Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(315): View more from New York

It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities

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(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

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(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.

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(360): View more from Washington

drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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(706): View more from Georgia

I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house

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(630): View more from Illinois

Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(970): View more from Colorado

just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive

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(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(619): View more from California

The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

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(650): View more from California

you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(831): View more from California

I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(586): View more from Michigan

there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.

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(214): View more from Texas

She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(613): View more from Ontario

It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(614): View more from Ohio

woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(404): View more from Georgia

Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(601): View more from Mississippi

A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

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(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

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(520): View more from Arizona

just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(845): View more from New York

i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(815): View more from Illinois

Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(925): View more from California

I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.

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(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(614): View more from Ohio

i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

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(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(727): View more from Florida

In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

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(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

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(734): View more from Michigan

airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(817): View more from Texas

She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

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(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval

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(514): View more from Quebec

You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(352): View more from Florida

I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(716): View more from New York

i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.

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(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(757): View more from Virginia

everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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(315): View more from New York

in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(661): View more from California

It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(631): View more from New York

i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(909): View more from California

College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

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(310): View more from California

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(850): View more from Florida

By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(334): View more from Alabama

The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(516): View more from New York

my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?

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(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook

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(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere

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(831): View more from California

It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

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(913): View more from Kansas

he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(760): View more from California

You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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(512): View more from Texas

turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(540): View more from Virginia

At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(845): View more from New York

As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

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(956): View more from Texas

You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(562): View more from California

even your uterus rejects him.

(1-562): View more from California

apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so glad i pay social security

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(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.

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(815): View more from Illinois

the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(904): View more from Florida

it's circumsized.

(954): View more from Florida

I think this conversation is over.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(678): View more from Georgia

How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

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(540): View more from Virginia

The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(613): View more from Ontario

You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(513): View more from Ohio

his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(647): View more from Ontario

You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(912): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(925): View more from California

Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?

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(815): View more from Illinois

should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for singing to me while i puked last night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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(514): View more from Quebec

he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?

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(713): View more from Texas

jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(516): View more from New York

i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(310): View more from California

you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.

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(514): View more from Quebec

take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on

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(417): View more from Missouri

And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(352): View more from Florida

never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(281): View more from Texas

so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture

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(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(650): View more from California

on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.

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(309): View more from Illinois

In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

(217): View more from Illinois

gotta love wednesdays

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What'd you guys eat?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Literally everything that was frozen.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(571): View more from Virginia

I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(618): View more from Illinois

i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(845): View more from New York

Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.

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(616): View more from Michigan

those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(563): View more from Iowa

when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(516): View more from New York

i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(631): View more from New York

i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(313): View more from Michigan

you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser

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(913): View more from Kansas

Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What?!

(913): View more from Kansas

Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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(850): View more from Florida

hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack

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(310): View more from California

When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(616): View more from Michigan

a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(408): View more from California

Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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