Texts From Last Night · dcan1968's Favorites

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dcan1968's Favorites Texts:

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(772): View more from Florida

at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?

(1-772): View more from Florida

around eleven

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?

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(415): View more from California

Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.

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(925): View more from California

I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

whatcha doing?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

lying in bed pretending to be a slug

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(858): View more from California

If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy

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(775): View more from Nevada

You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe

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(317): View more from Indiana

No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.

(574): View more from Indiana

Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.

(516): View more from New York

Welcome to my everyday.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do you have feelings for this penis?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?

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(817): View more from Texas

He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.

(972): View more from Texas

At least he's honest about how long he'll last.

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(315): View more from New York

Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.

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(512): View more from Texas

Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?

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(740): View more from Ohio

so he's a sleeptalker.

(614): View more from Ohio

yeah??

(740): View more from Ohio

"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.

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(727): View more from Florida

"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I said "one day" and that day is not today

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.

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(206): View more from Washington

Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell

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(914): View more from New York

It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass

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(905): View more from Ontario

You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing

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(352): View more from Florida

Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.

(701): View more from North Dakota

I've never been so turned off by an omelet.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"

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(216): View more from Ohio

My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.

(907): View more from Alaska

you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing

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(208): View more from Idaho

Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins

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(251): View more from Alabama

I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE

(608): View more from Wisconsin

The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.

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(289): View more from Ontario

She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Give me weed or give me death?

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.

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(813): View more from Florida

Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?

(813): View more from Florida

It didn't follow directions.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

you suck at sexting

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.

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(682): View more from Texas

Okay so I just had a really great idea

(817): View more from Texas

no.

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(319): View more from Iowa

It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops

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(509): View more from Washington

There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Awe that means so much to us

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(805): View more from California

went out last night. woke up with a lisp.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(916): View more from California

I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding

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(815): View more from Illinois

Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm very scared to turn around.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works

(843): View more from South Carolina

Too late, I'm convinced it's broken

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(315): View more from New York

Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?

(716): View more from New York

It was tough but I powered through it.

Fav 3 106 15
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(512): View more from Texas

i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids

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(425): View more from Washington

There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future

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(512): View more from Texas

Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yes

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(619): View more from California

I called you last night? What did I say??

(707): View more from California

That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...

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(256): View more from Alabama

Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out

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(903): View more from Texas

Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Pants are for mortals

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(775): View more from Nevada

Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.

(713): View more from Texas

I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?

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(650): View more from California

What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?

(858): View more from California

Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie

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(818): View more from California

I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.

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(585): View more from New York

I just need some of your time and all of your body.

Fav 1 175 62
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(248): View more from Michigan

I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door

(248): View more from Michigan

Best exit from a building ever

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Help me help you realize you are a moron

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?

Fav 2 191 94
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(518): View more from New York

I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder

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(937): View more from Ohio

It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.

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(914): View more from New York

At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later

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(518): View more from New York

Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

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(727): View more from Florida

We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.

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(716): View more from New York

I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.

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(407): View more from Florida

I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.

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(949): View more from California

I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid

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(509): View more from Washington

all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?

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(972): View more from Texas

what food is Colorado known for?

(970): View more from Colorado

Pot brownies.

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(805): View more from California

I want to eat a stick of butter

(1-805): View more from California

Did your pain meds kick in?

(805): View more from California

It tastes nice

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.

Fav 4 168 118
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(512): View more from Texas

Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever

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(323): View more from California

I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing

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(305): View more from Florida

Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?

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(636): View more from Missouri

I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.

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(519): View more from Ontario

How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I felt like I was at the zoo

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(512): View more from Texas

this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I want to fling myself into the sun

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?

(816): View more from Missouri

Regretting asking you what you were doing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.

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(917): View more from New York City

Which president had the biggest dick?

(917): View more from New York City

Take your time, I'll wait

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(317): View more from Indiana

Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own

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(859): View more from Kentucky

... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.

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(650): View more from California

WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot FaceTime with your penis

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(956): View more from Texas

They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times

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(850): View more from Florida

We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.

(925): View more from California

I'll make missing person signs.

(937): View more from Ohio

You're a good friend.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK

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(302): View more from Delaware

Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"

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(347): View more from New York

every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week

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(716): View more from New York

Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?

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(406): View more from Montana

You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

True strength comes from lack of pants

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?

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(618): View more from Illinois

he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock

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(205): View more from Alabama

If I die, sorry about rent.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

FUCK THIS BIRD

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(818): View more from California

what are you going as for halloween?

(805): View more from California

drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.

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(907): View more from Alaska

At least life still wants to fuck me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night

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(972): View more from Texas

There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.

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(949): View more from California

We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(905): View more from Ontario

All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind

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(613): View more from Ontario

Hold me and let me compliment your butt

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm experimenting with sincerity

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want you more than I want a burrito.

(207): View more from Maine

I'm not as filling.

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(815): View more from Illinois

The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better

Fav 0 258 130
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(330): View more from Ohio

I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.

Fav 1 369 206
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(513): View more from Ohio

And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.

Fav 0 333 190
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(503): View more from Oregon

I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.

Fav 3 563 187
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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22413 3678
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(518): View more from New York

He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks

Fav 1 392 240
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.

Fav 2 198 390
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

Fav 19 6832 1405
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences

Fav 1 791 535
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(619): View more from California

my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

Fav 4 820 533
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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

Fav 13 3488 1537
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(269): View more from Michigan

Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

Fav 13 6515 985
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(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

Fav 1 576 124
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(903): View more from Texas

Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

Fav 6 711 189
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(519): View more from Ontario

Gay?

(226): View more from Ontario

German.

(519): View more from Ontario

Pity.

Fav 3 297 217
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(605): View more from South Dakota

Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0

Fav 4 684 142
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(913): View more from Kansas

You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."

Fav 1 181 341
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(406): View more from Montana

Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.

Fav 1 286 170
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.

Fav 3 233 308
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(919): View more from North Carolina

I came home braless and wearing a tail....

Fav 3 404 158
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it

Fav 1 379 199
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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.

Fav 0 485 219
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(518): View more from New York

Why does your place smell like gin and misery?

(1-518): View more from New York

I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'

Fav 2 380 219
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(251): View more from Alabama

What happened to no more shots?

(734): View more from Michigan

It went out the window just like my dreams

Fav 0 374 178
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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

Fav 21 12654 1638
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(732): View more from New Jersey

We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.

Fav 4 586 231
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(601): View more from Mississippi

I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.

Fav 0 371 172
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(208): View more from Idaho

He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.

Fav 1 390 348
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(251): View more from Alabama

He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?

(251): View more from Alabama

Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.

Fav 1 596 161
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(714): View more from California

So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.

Fav 1 220 574
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(248): View more from Michigan

drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?

Fav 1 335 294
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(650): View more from California

Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

Fav 0 444 120
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(479): View more from Arkansas

You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.

Fav 1 311 139
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(817): View more from Texas

It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.

Fav 0 393 198
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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

sorry? thank you? I love you?

Fav 1 691 203
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

Fav 5 367 162
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(406): View more from Montana

Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back

Fav 0 217 503
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(903): View more from Texas

Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone

Fav 3 148 249
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(260): View more from Indiana

Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart

Fav 2 418 195
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(386): View more from Florida

well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.

Fav 3 344 204
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(201): View more from New Jersey

And here I thought that was one nut sack too many

Fav 0 208 156
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(504): View more from Louisiana

They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.

Fav 2 484 145
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(812): View more from Indiana

Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.

Fav 0 295 152
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(785): View more from Kansas

Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.

Fav 13 802 1037
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(619): View more from California

I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

Fav 4 1485 861
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(224): View more from Illinois

Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.

Fav 1 347 168
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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry I blacked out our whole relationship

Fav 0 305 237
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(310): View more from California

I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.

Fav 3 327 390
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(310): View more from California

Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on

Fav 0 388 192
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(818): View more from California

Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.

Fav 1 249 505
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.

Fav 2 349 178
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(713): View more from Texas

It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.

Fav 2 569 187
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(214): View more from Texas

Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!

(972): View more from Texas

THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING

(214): View more from Texas

OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!

Fav 2 391 167
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(207): View more from Maine

Testing the emergency boobs hotline

Fav 2 291 121
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(650): View more from California

Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff

Fav 1 403 163
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(319): View more from Iowa

Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

Fav 2 370 239
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(865): View more from Tennessee

An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.

Fav 6 505 182
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(813): View more from Florida

You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants

Fav 1 383 192
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(351): View more from Massachusetts

I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.

Fav 1 1225 716
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.

Fav 2 338 158
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(818): View more from California

10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel

Fav 2 763 365
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.

(828): View more from North Carolina

1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?

Fav 4 674 246
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(224): View more from Illinois

We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"

Fav 2 747 270
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(647): View more from Ontario

you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'

Fav 4 1041 448
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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

Fav 6 1542 669
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(817): View more from Texas

When was the last time you wore pants?

(214): View more from Texas

Time is relative.

(214): View more from Texas

And pants are optional.

Fav 1 1284 571
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(218): View more from Minnesota

After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.

Fav 1 183 291
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(713): View more from Texas

Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.

Fav 3 486 125
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(423): View more from Tennessee

Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.

Fav 0 354 145
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.

Fav 2 248 325
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(404): View more from Georgia

He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.

Fav 1 243 466
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?

Fav 1 517 162
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(575): View more from New Mexico

If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.

Fav 3 262 247
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(952): View more from Minnesota

I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

Fav 98 4057 1044
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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there

Fav 38 4813 1102
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.

Fav 4 619 276
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(917): View more from New York City

Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.

Fav 3 506 338
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(714): View more from California

Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power

Fav 6 792 275
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(817): View more from Texas

I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?

Fav 0 396 221
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(757): View more from Virginia

The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.

Fav 0 490 239
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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.

Fav 3 452 273
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are no winners in a lube eating competition.

Fav 2 236 580
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(905): View more from Ontario

Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now

(514): View more from Quebec

Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore

Fav 0 565 295
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(651): View more from Minnesota

MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!

Fav 3 251 362
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.

Fav 3 1085 265
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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.

Fav 1 933 228
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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.

Fav 1 261 597
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(612): View more from Minnesota

should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus

Fav 0 496 271
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(254): View more from Texas

Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.

Fav 0 715 305
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(309): View more from Illinois

I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni

Fav 2 465 226
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.

Fav 2 585 259
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(+22): View more from

I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.

Fav 1 270 423
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(760): View more from California

I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.

Fav 1 248 510
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.

Fav 3 535 366
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(514): View more from Quebec

I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick

Fav 2 599 375
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(310): View more from California

Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?

(951): View more from California

You told me to go grocery shopping.

Fav 3 1220 539
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases

Fav 2 633 342
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(915): View more from Texas

Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.

Fav 2 857 348
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(201): View more from New Jersey

He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.

Fav 1 851 385
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.

Fav 0 542 382
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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

Fav 6 1194 423
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(647): View more from Ontario

Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?

Fav 2 346 462
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(630): View more from Illinois

If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.

Fav 0 468 333
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(801): View more from Utah

LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE

Fav 3 454 398
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(949): View more from California

I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley

Fav 1 491 390
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.

Fav 1 571 324
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(905): View more from Ontario

I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me

Fav 0 622 371
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(931): View more from Tennessee

I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.

Fav 1 522 318
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

New vibrator arrived today.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who are these wee mortals we call men?

Fav 4 1149 431
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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature

(804): View more from Virginia

that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw

Fav 0 842 381
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(087): View more from

HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS

Fav 0 603 296
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(269): View more from Michigan

My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over

Fav 0 493 369
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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper

Fav 1 332 600
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(858): View more from California

The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard

Fav 2 467 316
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(334): View more from Alabama

I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan

Fav 3 734 374
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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.

(561): View more from Florida

Your mother would be so proud

Fav 6 1123 586
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(727): View more from Florida

I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.

Fav 2 1231 417
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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

Fav 19 3435 1034
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(303): View more from Colorado

If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy

Fav 7 458 436
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(858): View more from California

2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.

Fav 3 370 472
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(706): View more from Georgia

Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??

Fav 4 1143 443
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.

Fav 1 577 335
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(804): View more from Virginia

I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"

Fav 0 1032 377
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(503): View more from Oregon

Is her dick bigger than yours?

Fav 1 723 528
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(209): View more from California

I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force

Fav 2 829 412
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(404): View more from Georgia

Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.

Fav 1 422 598
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(678): View more from Georgia

How'd your Tinder date go?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Well, I met his girlfriend...

Fav 5 544 756
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(586): View more from Michigan

I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.

Fav 6 938 399
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(239): View more from Florida

If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now

Fav 3 622 339
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(406): View more from Montana

so much tequila, so little girl.

Fav 2 601 468
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(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him

Fav 2 763 324
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(240): View more from Maryland

If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.

Fav 2 361 578
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(602): View more from Arizona

I am one with the molecules

Fav 1 706 402
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(517): View more from Michigan

I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody

Fav 1 731 398
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(509): View more from Washington

I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.

Fav 1 729 374
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.

Fav 0 633 377
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad

Fav 3 1084 380
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.

Fav 2 416 483
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(360): View more from Washington

I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose

Fav 0 741 871
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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

Fav 10 4472 1461
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(810): View more from Michigan

if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.

Fav 1 753 389
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(612): View more from Minnesota

And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"

Fav 3 344 471
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.

Fav 4 1138 470
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(845): View more from New York

I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise

Fav 3 612 378
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(253): View more from Washington

I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety

Fav 4 725 509
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood

Fav 6 580 400
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(512): View more from Texas

just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.

Fav 4 589 486
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(515): View more from Iowa

I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".

Fav 4 682 459
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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm high. ignore me

Fav 1 872 375
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.

Fav 2 498 527
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER

Fav 5 527 370
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(310): View more from California

last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole

Fav 2 604 800
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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home

Fav 1 585 371
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(870): View more from Arkansas

You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.

Fav 1 966 372
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(510): View more from California

"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.

Fav 0 578 381
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(408): View more from California

You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."

Fav 0 366 554
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(424): View more from California

Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?

(310): View more from California

"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."

Fav 2 1166 485
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(647): View more from Ontario

I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men

Fav 1 729 412
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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.

Fav 5 809 396
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(607): View more from New York

He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??

Fav 2 567 364
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(250): View more from British Columbia

Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.

Fav 0 700 362
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(360): View more from Washington

Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.

Fav 2 807 407
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?

Fav 5 757 322
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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I

Fav 9 1037 453
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?

Fav 2 659 390
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(240): View more from Maryland

Are you ok?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.

Fav 1 935 413
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(989): View more from Michigan

My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.

Fav 2 670 391
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(732): View more from New Jersey

I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.

Fav 0 683 356
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(530): View more from California

I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other

Fav 1 974 433
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.

Fav 1 707 401
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(314): View more from Missouri

i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.

Fav 0 641 423
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(302): View more from Delaware

The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.

Fav 1 442 511
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(804): View more from Virginia

WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY

Fav 1 438 436
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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.

Fav 2 435 603
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(865): View more from Tennessee

Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.

Fav 2 576 438
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(908): View more from New Jersey

He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices

Fav 1 414 758
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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels

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(620): View more from Kansas

Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.

Fav 1 937 501
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(248): View more from Michigan

We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.

Fav 0 683 400
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(515): View more from Iowa

I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.

Fav 1 646 384
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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

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(503): View more from Oregon

If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car

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(954): View more from Florida

He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.

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(718): View more from New York

This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out

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(647): View more from Ontario

A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is my life. Enjoy the view

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(214): View more from Texas

You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.

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(347): View more from New York

I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?

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(703): View more from Virginia

All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future

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(309): View more from Illinois

Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?

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(805): View more from California

Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard

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(972): View more from Texas

I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.

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(801): View more from Utah

My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.

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(516): View more from New York

mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?

(1-516): View more from New York

all of them.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.

(931): View more from Tennessee

BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no

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(585): View more from New York

PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.

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(517): View more from Michigan

We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.

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(516): View more from New York

it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism

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(813): View more from Florida

Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.

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(512): View more from Texas

I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.

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(416): View more from Toronto

no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there

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(410): View more from Maryland

If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So how'd the job interview go?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward

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(206): View more from Washington

you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel

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(216): View more from Ohio

so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking

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(931): View more from Tennessee

nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out

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(813): View more from Florida

I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.

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(818): View more from California

I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me

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(515): View more from Iowa

you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(210): View more from Texas

Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study

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(807): View more from Ontario

Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.

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(801): View more from Utah

Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?

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(573): View more from Missouri

He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(714): View more from California

He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.

(1-714): View more from California

I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass

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(212): View more from New York

You're the only person not starstruck by him

(302): View more from Delaware

Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.

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(802): View more from Vermont

My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn

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(316): View more from Kansas

So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.

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(408): View more from California

I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi

(408): View more from California

so I peed on it

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(858): View more from California

He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

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(949): View more from California

The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!

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(714): View more from California

I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.

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(562): View more from California

I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.

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(408): View more from California

I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(435): View more from Utah

honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(586): View more from Michigan

How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I want to take my head off and cuddle with it

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.

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(810): View more from Michigan

My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

3 2 1 whiskey

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(585): View more from New York

Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?

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(714): View more from California

I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation

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(501): View more from Arkansas

eta to your mouth 5 minutes

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(276): View more from Virginia

My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(714): View more from California

someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless

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(818): View more from California

You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance

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(+66): View more from Thailand

The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"

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(719): View more from Colorado

I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.

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(+70): View more from

I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship

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(410): View more from Maryland

Help everyone's hot

(410): View more from Maryland

Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot

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(360): View more from Washington

Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.

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(925): View more from California

Drunk texting is the poetry of my life

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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(310): View more from California

Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising

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(586): View more from Michigan

I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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(440): View more from Ohio

my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?

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(212): View more from New York

He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Stop watching porn on my work computer.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again

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(517): View more from Michigan

Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

(651): View more from Minnesota

That one probably shouldn't have been in caps

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think weed is turning my hair brown

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(440): View more from Ohio

My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have suspicion of morning wood.

(281): View more from Texas

How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?

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(561): View more from Florida

His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.

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(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No worries I have vodka. Its always on time

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(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.

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(518): View more from New York

I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping

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(559): View more from California

You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka

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(720): View more from Colorado

There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Sex is clearly the solution either way.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(315): View more from New York

If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...

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(904): View more from Florida

thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge

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(940): View more from Texas

See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.

Fav 3 839 519
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.

Fav 0 535 649
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

YOU DID WHAT???

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

it's too much effort for something that isn't food.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?

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(305): View more from Florida

I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(316): View more from Kansas

Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

All. The answer is always all

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(619): View more from California

yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances

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(907): View more from Alaska

who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(561): View more from Florida

Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.

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(571): View more from Virginia

My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.

(703): View more from Virginia

Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 6 1131 765
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(206): View more from Washington

Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.

(425): View more from Washington

I'll pay?

(206): View more from Washington

Pick me up at 9.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you need anything just hit me up

(845): View more from New York

Pancakes

(201): View more from New Jersey

Noted.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won

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(630): View more from Illinois

I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.

(419): View more from Ohio

You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

sure, what movies

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

porn or disney, your choice

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.

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(915): View more from Texas

Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad

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(513): View more from Ohio

He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something

(513): View more from Ohio

Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking

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(415): View more from California

Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

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(989): View more from Michigan

Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Where's your car?

(989): View more from Michigan

The girl I brought home apparently stole it

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.

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(716): View more from New York

Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??

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(469): View more from Texas

Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?

(972): View more from Texas

This is why american education is failing

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.

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(044): View more from

fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face

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(818): View more from California

You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Stop touching yourself.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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(850): View more from Florida

I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.

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(619): View more from California

You fucked that MILF against my car!

(415): View more from California

How would you know?

(619): View more from California

She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her

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(205): View more from Alabama

I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(248): View more from Michigan

No piss test, hell yeah

(248): View more from Michigan

FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.

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(905): View more from Ontario

So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on

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(309): View more from Illinois

My penis needs a shock collar

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(562): View more from California

Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit

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(816): View more from Missouri

Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.

(913): View more from Kansas

Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.

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(954): View more from Florida

Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

(305): View more from Florida

It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

(954): View more from Florida

STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

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(727): View more from Florida

Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"

(978): View more from Massachusetts

or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just want nice things and good sex

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am not getting you a goat.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

can i bring anything?

(443): View more from Maryland

Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

is there a theme i should know about?

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(214): View more from Texas

nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot

(857): View more from Massachusetts

The struggle is real.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(206): View more from Washington

Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(909): View more from California

Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.

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(916): View more from California

So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?

Fav 5 486 1123
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.

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(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

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(805): View more from California

YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.

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(425): View more from Washington

What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?

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(941): View more from Florida

She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

IM WEARING A FLAG

(1-613): View more from Ontario

So that's a no to the clothes then

(613): View more from Ontario

FLAG

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.

Fav 4 624 868
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(434): View more from Virginia

You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(360): View more from Washington

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

Fav 9 1626 708
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(425): View more from Washington

I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge

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(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(954): View more from Florida

Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

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(925): View more from California

I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

Fav 3 1374 693
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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.

Fav 0 646 549
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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?

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(574): View more from Indiana

LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY

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(989): View more from Michigan

Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(425): View more from Washington

Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(209): View more from California

Why is my hat full of peanuts?

(719): View more from Colorado

Don't throw them out, I'm on my way

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(415): View more from California

LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(416): View more from Toronto

Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Really? A fat girl?

(1-206): View more from Washington

I'm walking her back. Chill out.

(1-206): View more from Washington

She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

An artistic expression of her stupidity.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me

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(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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(779): View more from Illinois

He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.

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(425): View more from Washington

I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(619): View more from California

Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?

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(707): View more from California

DON'T WEAR PANTS.

(707): View more from California

I REPEAT.

(707): View more from California

DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just pee around me

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(323): View more from California

In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

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(850): View more from Florida

Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(727): View more from Florida

I felt guilty, it was so good!

(1-727): View more from Florida

Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter

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(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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(330): View more from Ohio

im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals

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(415): View more from California

so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(917): View more from New York City

Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.

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(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.

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(425): View more from Washington

I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.

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(727): View more from Florida

I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself

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(312): View more from Illinois

Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.

(312): View more from Illinois

Denial, avoidance and beer.

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(801): View more from Utah

You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?

(650): View more from California

I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Yeah. It's not just the beard either.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.

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(646): View more from New York

Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(541): View more from Oregon

How are you feeling?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What are your plans?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.

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(714): View more from California

I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(315): View more from New York

So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hamster emergency. Can u come in here

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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(806): View more from Texas

I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(419): View more from Ohio

Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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(315): View more from New York

Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I need rollerblades now

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Rollerblades pick up bitches

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(314): View more from Missouri

A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection

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(386): View more from Florida

I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

(740): View more from Ohio

BECAUSE SCIENCE

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(360): View more from Washington

I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.

(1-360): View more from Washington

Bringing families together since 1987

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(606): View more from Kentucky

can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

(303): View more from Colorado

God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"

(646): View more from New York

how do you like your eggs?

(865): View more from Tennessee

over tits

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(310): View more from California

If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(516): View more from New York

Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me

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(505): View more from New Mexico

So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?

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(312): View more from Illinois

You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.

(219): View more from Indiana

I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said

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(719): View more from Colorado

The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.

(719): View more from Colorado

This has been a Party Success Story

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(410): View more from Maryland

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

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(219): View more from Indiana

Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon

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(831): View more from California

Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE

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(260): View more from Indiana

The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let's get weird.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's 10 am...

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm assuming that means you're not busy...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...

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(289): View more from Ontario

God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

(519): View more from Ontario

Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

(501): View more from Arkansas

Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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(815): View more from Illinois

Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it

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(513): View more from Ohio

You need Xanax blowdarts

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(204): View more from Manitoba

i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(360): View more from Washington

And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things

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(805): View more from California

I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka

(714): View more from California

I could

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

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(330): View more from Ohio

We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.

(330): View more from Ohio

It's hard to explain...

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(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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(516): View more from New York

Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

(917): View more from New York City

An adult?

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(619): View more from California

I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(850): View more from Florida

My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?

(1-850): View more from Florida

It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(623): View more from Arizona

As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!

(818): View more from California

Were you keeping a list?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.

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(850): View more from Florida

Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

No now I'm curious!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(917): View more from New York City

I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

(1-917): View more from New York City

I love you more by the minute

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(217): View more from Illinois

i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?

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(425): View more from Washington

I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(516): View more from New York

Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(917): View more from New York City

my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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(425): View more from Washington

My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told you he wasn't attractive.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..

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(903): View more from Texas

All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese

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(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If I was 5 years younger and single...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(619): View more from California

i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(435): View more from Utah

When did we convert life to cartoon?

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(646): View more from New York

My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(914): View more from New York

The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(503): View more from Oregon

get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.

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(845): View more from New York

Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(916): View more from California

I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(720): View more from Colorado

By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball

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(613): View more from Ontario

As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.

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(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(315): View more from New York

This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

This is the high leading the old right now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

(810): View more from Michigan

I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

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(250): View more from British Columbia

im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

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(213): View more from California

Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

(810): View more from Michigan

shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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(636): View more from Missouri

Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(408): View more from California

He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You okay?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(847): View more from Illinois

When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(940): View more from Texas

I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(361): View more from Texas

like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(585): View more from New York

Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

(1-585): View more from New York

Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(312): View more from Illinois

When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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(503): View more from Oregon

That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy

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(314): View more from Missouri

He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.

(636): View more from Missouri

Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...

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(406): View more from Montana

Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.

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(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?

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(913): View more from Kansas

My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(408): View more from California

My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(906): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?

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(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

Fav 13 4924 1284
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(207): View more from Maine

I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Last time i carry you out of a forest

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(515): View more from Iowa

So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(928): View more from Arizona

If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

Fav 19 3157 1036
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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Faces of meth called, they want their look back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you know how to give stiches?

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I do not...this text concerns me

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(503): View more from Oregon

My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a pro at the other 9-5

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(921): View more from

Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

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(206): View more from Washington

Peanut butter balls.

(1-206): View more from Washington

IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD

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(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

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(205): View more from Alabama

I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

And an everlasting friendship

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(229): View more from Georgia

Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.

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(914): View more from New York

The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Gym?

(801): View more from Utah

Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

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(916): View more from California

I'm back here naked if anyones wondering

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(914): View more from New York

I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?

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(914): View more from New York

Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.

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(207): View more from Maine

Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(075): View more from

thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

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(775): View more from Nevada

The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(805): View more from California

Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(760): View more from California

Do you need to be saved?

(847): View more from Illinois

No I think I'm God

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(256): View more from Alabama

She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(917): View more from New York City

You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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(757): View more from Virginia

and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

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(217): View more from Illinois

She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(928): View more from Arizona

No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's gonorrhea incarnate

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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(914): View more from New York

Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(916): View more from California

He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(303): View more from Colorado

Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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(408): View more from California

You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.

(612): View more from Minnesota

His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.

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(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(630): View more from Illinois

So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(813): View more from Florida

Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours

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(760): View more from California

Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(214): View more from Texas

Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(631): View more from New York

Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(734): View more from Michigan

Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(909): View more from California

It's Friday. Sex?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(972): View more from Texas

I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(478): View more from Georgia

this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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(281): View more from Texas

Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(516): View more from New York

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings

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(201): View more from New Jersey

it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

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(661): View more from California

What a dumb baby whore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(276): View more from Virginia

Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(260): View more from Indiana

...oh my god that's like anal suicide

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(269): View more from Michigan

P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(316): View more from Kansas

You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man

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(317): View more from Indiana

on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(323): View more from California

forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

(310): View more from California

my version of bright and sunny.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(620): View more from Kansas

And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(347): View more from New York

drinking out of a sandbucket again

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

you're right.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): View more from Colorado

LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(310): View more from California

Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.

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(805): View more from California

The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(212): View more from New York

he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(917): View more from New York City

My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

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(216): View more from Ohio

dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so im guessing thats a no.....

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(630): View more from Illinois

That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(212): View more from New York

This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(+44): View more from England

Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

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(817): View more from Texas

why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi

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(712): View more from Iowa

You should dream of me :)

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to dream of single life.

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(850): View more from Florida

So are we goin out tonight?

(315): View more from New York

Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...

(850): View more from Florida

And that was fun, wasn't it?

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(310): View more from California

my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.

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(540): View more from Virginia

did you hook up at the wedding?

(1-540): View more from Virginia

No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.

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(517): View more from Michigan

my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(661): View more from California

Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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(417): View more from Missouri

true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!

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(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Non-Jews are for practice

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(251): View more from Alabama

Call me "white mamba"

(334): View more from Alabama

Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

(251): View more from Alabama

It is white.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(214): View more from Texas

they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

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(216): View more from Ohio

make any headway on the foot/dick situation?

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(813): View more from Florida

This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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(352): View more from Florida

Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(703): View more from Virginia

How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Duck Duck Cougar?

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(212): View more from New York

R you on birth control?

(1-212): View more from New York

No, why?

(212): View more from New York

...no reason

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(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(561): View more from Florida

If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What? You're not speaking real words.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

(757): View more from Virginia

your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

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(954): View more from Florida

a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube

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(765): View more from Indiana

She has a lazy eye!

(317): View more from Indiana

My other option is a hardwood floor

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(801): View more from Utah

Yah man, that place is surreal

(731): View more from Tennessee

Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(858): View more from California

i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(619): View more from California

i wish my penis had a tongue

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(716): View more from New York

He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(586): View more from Michigan

I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

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(760): View more from California

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

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(904): View more from Florida

We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(206): View more from Washington

I will die if light touches me.

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(347): View more from New York

weddingsv make me drug and hornr

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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(213): View more from California

Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name

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(513): View more from Ohio

what's Bukake?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

a bad idea.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(813): View more from Florida

My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars

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(512): View more from Texas

I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(313): View more from Michigan

I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(+61): View more from Australia

How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

You did this to yourself.

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(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(802): View more from Vermont

is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What did I say to him last night?

(385): View more from Utah

Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all in all not a bad night

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(802): View more from Vermont

PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

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(845): View more from New York

At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(678): View more from Georgia

xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life

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(937): View more from Ohio

Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.

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(509): View more from Washington

you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin

(509): View more from Washington

and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(425): View more from Washington

Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(917): View more from New York City

Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now

(917): View more from New York City

Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway

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(248): View more from Michigan

i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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(714): View more from California

why do cheetos always look like penises

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.

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(954): View more from Florida

Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

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(206): View more from Washington

Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.

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(248): View more from Michigan

dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did

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(828): View more from North Carolina

So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.

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(956): View more from Texas

It was like little house on the drunk prairie.

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(630): View more from Illinois

shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

you dont need a face to have sex

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Its not alright that i make out with a manican.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.

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(817): View more from Texas

She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?

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(512): View more from Texas

You surviving the open bar?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(512): View more from Texas

everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(949): View more from California

Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer

(1-949): View more from California

Party on wayne

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(334): View more from Alabama

If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(647): View more from Ontario

Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(206): View more from Washington

I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(941): View more from Florida

Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.

(1-941): View more from Florida

That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

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(941): View more from Florida

For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.

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(954): View more from Florida

oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(248): View more from Michigan

he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(315): View more from New York

i think i just puked on my phone

(1-315): View more from New York

we live great lives

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(678): View more from Georgia

If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(713): View more from Texas

yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(804): View more from Virginia

no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(661): View more from California

a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

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(734): View more from Michigan

They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(714): View more from California

I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(631): View more from New York

dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(917): View more from New York City

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?

(919): View more from North Carolina

i cant lie to you.

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz

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(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

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(905): View more from Toronto

9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.

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(214): View more from Texas

just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(425): View more from Washington

Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?

(1-425): View more from Washington

I hate you

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(708): View more from Illinois

You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?

(602): View more from Arizona

no jk, not my room

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

no, didnt close...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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(773): View more from Illinois

you want me

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'd rather choke on a dick.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my phone needs a breathalizer

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

(314): View more from Missouri

you had an obligation.

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect

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(360): View more from Washington

I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

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(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

(914): View more from New York

No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

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(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(650): View more from California

I feel great

(650): View more from California

I just peed on a car

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(619): View more from California

His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(623): View more from Arizona

If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

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(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(817): View more from Texas

She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.

(1-817): View more from Texas

OMG. What did u say?

(817): View more from Texas

I told her I did too.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I am a bulletproof tiger!

(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.

(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(530): View more from California

I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.

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(514): View more from Quebec

she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(512): View more from Texas

Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(917): View more from New York City

Where you at

(1-917): View more from New York City

assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?

(917): View more from New York City

Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to give you the keys to my place

(1-561): View more from Florida

Then I'll give you the keys to my heart

(561): View more from Florida

Gag me

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

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(916): View more from California

We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(904): View more from Florida

There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(707): View more from California

Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(941): View more from Florida

I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(481): View more from

I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(512): View more from Texas

At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here

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(409): View more from Texas

You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(718): View more from New York

you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.

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(718): View more from New York

im about as happy as oj after his trial

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(913): View more from Kansas

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.

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(520): View more from Arizona

please come you make the beer taste better

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(940): View more from Texas

he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(314): View more from Missouri

great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter

(1-314): View more from Missouri

at least I said it was good

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(314): View more from Missouri

My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.

(585): View more from New York

I hate you.

(314): View more from Missouri

To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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(678): View more from Georgia

he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(619): View more from California

dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face

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(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

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(714): View more from California

i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day

(619): View more from California

ahah at least you got away with it

(714): View more from California

nope...my gran was the one who informed me

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

(320): View more from Minnesota

He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

(406): View more from Montana

Ok, i'm coming over

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(970): View more from Colorado

How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(845): View more from New York

even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(845): View more from New York

Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"

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(740): View more from Ohio

Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(727): View more from Florida

if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Lol welcome to greek life

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(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(314): View more from Missouri

I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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(917): View more from New York City

The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.

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(310): View more from California

Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.

(310): View more from California

I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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(417): View more from Missouri

Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

(573): View more from Missouri

Jealous.

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(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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(309): View more from Illinois

dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry

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(519): View more from Ontario

who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(917): View more from New York City

we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability

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(903): View more from Texas

So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(773): View more from Illinois

Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night

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(941): View more from Florida

well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(631): View more from New York

He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

look no pants

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(716): View more from New York

I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...

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(712): View more from Iowa

She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Why are we friends again?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

haha what'd she say

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF

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(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(301): View more from Maryland

Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(619): View more from California

the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(925): View more from California

I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

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(773): View more from Illinois

he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(281): View more from Texas

In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(714): View more from California

For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(602): View more from Arizona

the head trauma was worth the blowjob.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

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(970): View more from Colorado

just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity

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(980): View more from North Carolina

It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(518): View more from New York

I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(315): View more from New York

a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I have one thing to say: spongebath.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(989): View more from Michigan

A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(613): View more from Ontario

it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): View more from Ontario

im not talking about this

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(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

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(863): View more from Florida

Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(818): View more from California

thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

(661): View more from California

should have blown me.

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(707): View more from California

You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(916): View more from California

Sadness tears and throw up everywhere

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(937): View more from Ohio

A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(703): View more from Virginia

He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah, i think she was German or something.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?

(313): View more from Michigan

Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!

(630): View more from Illinois

U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?

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(214): View more from Texas

ugly people sure do ruin things

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(720): View more from Colorado

More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

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(214): View more from Texas

Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel

(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah...right...LMAO

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do you have swine flu?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Pigs, yes. Swine, no.

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!

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(206): View more from Washington

She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant

(360): View more from Washington

At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.

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(207): View more from Maine

in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask

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(804): View more from Virginia

where are you?

(914): View more from New York

in the room with the baby pig

(804): View more from Virginia

k im coming soon

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(614): View more from Ohio

her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir

(952): View more from Minnesota

details?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

alcohol + bed + penis = sex

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(713): View more from Texas

i cant believe jose lima did steroids

(281): View more from Texas

apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(313): View more from Michigan

Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!

(1-313): View more from Michigan

"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"

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(325): View more from Texas

my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.

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(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

oh boy

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(760): View more from California

I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.

(586): View more from Michigan

You raise a valid concern

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(504): View more from Louisiana

can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(417): View more from Missouri

when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye

(319): View more from Iowa

Wasn't she moving abroad?

(419): View more from Ohio

Are you really going to debate this?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(801): View more from Utah

my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(817): View more from Texas

90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): View more from Virginia

no strippers. just coke.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i hate this fuckin recession

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.

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(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(619): View more from California

His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(720): View more from Colorado

were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. you cant fuck a burger.

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.

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(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(518): View more from New York

I want a grilled cheese and an IV

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

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(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

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(727): View more from Florida

at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(217): View more from Illinois

i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.

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(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(647): View more from Ontario

he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(503): View more from Oregon

We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(573): View more from Missouri

You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(850): View more from Florida

It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.

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(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

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(703): View more from Virginia

I've been living off of popsicles and broth.

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(406): View more from Montana

Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(727): View more from Florida

You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

i hate being the asshole.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(276): View more from Virginia

I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(480): View more from Arizona

The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...

(317): View more from Indiana

Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(573): View more from Missouri

I want her autograph on my taint

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(716): View more from New York

I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(616): View more from Michigan

But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives

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(315): View more from New York

We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me

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(407): View more from Florida

Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(614): View more from Ohio

How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?

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(863): View more from Florida

I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.

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(727): View more from Florida

Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance

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(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

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(315): View more from New York

i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(214): View more from Texas

If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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