Texts From Last Night · acerzz's Favorites

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.

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(408): View more from California

YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.

(440): View more from Ohio

and SLEEP god I love sleep

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(209): View more from California

Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.

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(979): View more from Texas

Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later

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(574): View more from Indiana

You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(216): View more from Ohio

another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats

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(520): View more from Arizona

it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just need some dick and some jimmy johns

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(941): View more from Florida

He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!

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(631): View more from New York

Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.

(1-631): View more from New York

That's 30 minutes too many.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.

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(773): View more from Illinois

him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.

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(206): View more from Washington

Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?

(360): View more from Washington

What are you gonna do about it?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am not getting you a goat.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(213): View more from California

Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch

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(706): View more from Georgia

URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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(616): View more from Michigan

2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

(616): View more from Michigan

2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma

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(206): View more from Washington

Are you high?

(425): View more from Washington

The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear

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(647): View more from Ontario

I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"

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(906): View more from Michigan

When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

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(210): View more from Texas

I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.

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(915): View more from Texas

God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(516): View more from New York

Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

(917): View more from New York City

An adult?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(406): View more from Montana

He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home

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(360): View more from Washington

Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.

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(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(630): View more from Illinois

That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(312): View more from Illinois

He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.

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(518): View more from New York

whiskey

(914): View more from New York

stop

(518): View more from New York

tequila

(914): View more from New York

you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(206): View more from Washington

Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(310): View more from California

I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

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(914): View more from New York

He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike

(1-914): View more from New York

Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(515): View more from Iowa

Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

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(818): View more from California

All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.

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(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

(708): View more from Illinois

Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(540): View more from Virginia

my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed

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(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Oh that's normal

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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(386): View more from Florida

Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.

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(253): View more from Washington

Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(757): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

(312): View more from Illinois

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(914): View more from New York

And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.

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(323): View more from California

i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

(818): View more from California

she hot?

(323): View more from California

i don't wanna talk about it

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(415): View more from California

Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?

(467): View more from

I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?

(317): View more from Indiana

Can you ship it to me then?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

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(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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(907): View more from Alaska

On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

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(716): View more from New York

I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

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(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(925): View more from California

This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class

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(702): View more from Nevada

jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over

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(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(407): View more from Florida

Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(419): View more from Ohio

There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

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(916): View more from California

Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"

(1-916): View more from California

High five!

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

(314): View more from Missouri

you don't even go to loyola anymore

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(916): View more from California

I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.

(541): View more from Oregon

Together?

(847): View more from Illinois

Preferably.

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(408): View more from California

420 ftw

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(813): View more from Florida

Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida

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(540): View more from Virginia

when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking

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(620): View more from Kansas

Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?

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(972): View more from Texas

And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin

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(801): View more from Utah

Yah man, that place is surreal

(731): View more from Tennessee

Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(312): View more from Illinois

I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(518): View more from New York

I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.

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(352): View more from Florida

Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

My bottle opener just broke off in the cork

(248): View more from Michigan

They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts

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(214): View more from Texas

I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(716): View more from New York

Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(440): View more from Ohio

But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Well... I doubt that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."

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(515): View more from Iowa

Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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(850): View more from Florida

They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(775): View more from Nevada

god, a vagina is an amazing trump card

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(313): View more from Michigan

He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(586): View more from Michigan

If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?

(313): View more from Michigan

YES

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(310): View more from California

Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Did you go home with that guy without me?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(330): View more from Ohio

well you can't waste a boner

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(802): View more from Vermont

think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(425): View more from Washington

i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

(802): View more from Vermont

Tonite tequila might call you

(802): View more from Vermont

Be prepared

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(916): View more from California

How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

(1-916): View more from California

Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(303): View more from Colorado

I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(520): View more from Arizona

im six kinds of drunk right now

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.

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(818): View more from California

thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

(661): View more from California

should have blown me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(402): View more from Nebraska

2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

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(561): View more from Florida

i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(205): View more from Alabama

soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(816): View more from Missouri

you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?

(636): View more from Missouri

you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, be my cock's hype man.

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(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

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(443): View more from Maryland

so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse

(914): View more from New York

so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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(636): View more from Missouri

dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

(1-636): View more from Missouri

when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(703): View more from Virginia

Quoting wale wont save you from herpes

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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(917): View more from New York City

All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(904): View more from Florida

Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(216): View more from Ohio

The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(216): View more from Ohio

my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

(609): View more from New Jersey

AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(586): View more from Michigan

Porn is love you can see.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(905): View more from Toronto

We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?

(440): View more from Ohio

Probably.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'm in.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(817): View more from Texas

so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear

(401): View more from Rhode Island

...this stays between you and me

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(734): View more from Michigan

it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco

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(847): View more from Illinois

There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I could have mohawked her pubes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(305): View more from Florida

We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

Fav 67 6024 1991
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(416): View more from Ontario

If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(512): View more from Texas

You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(707): View more from California

You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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(530): View more from California

Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding

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(224): View more from Illinois

Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(845): View more from New York

For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail

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(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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(949): View more from California

either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating

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(330): View more from Ohio

if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Betty ford says i'm here all night

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12764 2276
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(650): View more from California

Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

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(905): View more from Toronto

dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

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(410): View more from Maryland

Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(313): View more from Michigan

You really coming over, don't trick.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.

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(925): View more from California

Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A better fuck for starters.

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(845): View more from New York

i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart

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(631): View more from New York

i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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(925): View more from California

I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway

Fav 15 3939 1166
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(256): View more from Alabama

I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(269): View more from Michigan

im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(301): View more from Maryland

im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Now have a vodka water and get your shit together

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Did you see that girl I got with last night?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(845): View more from New York

think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(386): View more from Florida

her nipple to breast ratio was just odd

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(516): View more from New York

I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(831): View more from California

please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(773): View more from Illinois

I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(360): View more from Washington

whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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(917): View more from New York City

She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going

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(254): View more from Texas

Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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(941): View more from Florida

I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude. stop pregaming the food network.

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(408): View more from California

At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(347): View more from New York

You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless

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(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(845): View more from New York

I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.

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(818): View more from California

WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK

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(702): View more from Nevada

I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope

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(301): View more from Maryland

My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(281): View more from Texas

I think about you every night.

(1-281): View more from Texas

I'm sorry.

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(509): View more from Washington

went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(585): View more from New York

there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

(651): View more from Minnesota

That baby is bound to be under-loved.

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(618): View more from Illinois

lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(209): View more from California

found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(703): View more from Virginia

the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes

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(847): View more from Illinois

worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(773): View more from Illinois

At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(616): View more from Michigan

Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.

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(917): View more from New York City

Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(217): View more from Illinois

Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I love having hate sex.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(740): View more from Ohio

They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar

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(561): View more from Florida

If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.

(1-561): View more from Florida

Agreed

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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(714): View more from California

so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?

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(541): View more from Oregon

its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(410): View more from Maryland

After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

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(212): View more from New York

dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?

(1-212): View more from New York

idk but i think it had a face

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

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(813): View more from Florida

He had one of those small greek statue penises

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

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(540): View more from Virginia

she says it's "been amazing lately"

(540): View more from Virginia

i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?

(847): View more from Illinois

Beat you to it.

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

what's the vibe there?

(917): View more from New York City

extraordinary amounts of gine

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(503): View more from Oregon

Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(646): View more from New York

I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night

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(630): View more from Illinois

just tell him i said nine months

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(818): View more from California

Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(641): View more from Iowa

i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(719): View more from Colorado

never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(630): View more from Illinois

which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the hells wrong with u

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Three words: puerto rican gang bang

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?

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(951): View more from California

Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.

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(713): View more from Texas

You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

(954): View more from Florida

Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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(225): View more from Louisiana

"Monday" is guna come over...

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

but its Thursday?

(225): View more from Louisiana

yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

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(270): View more from Kentucky

If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(419): View more from Ohio

The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(415): View more from California

I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(336): View more from North Carolina

nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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(416): View more from Ontario

that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY

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(323): View more from California

No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(512): View more from Texas

So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

SEEEEXXX PLEASE

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

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(212): View more from New York

They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(312): View more from Illinois

Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(312): View more from Illinois

My room smells like vodka and shame

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(312): View more from Illinois

she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?

(1-312): View more from Illinois

not while she was awake

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(312): View more from Illinois

You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?

(312): View more from Illinois

It's worth it.

(248): View more from Michigan

How worth it?

(312): View more from Illinois

Back door worth it

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(773): View more from Illinois

She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(773): View more from Illinois

we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon

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(773): View more from Illinois

the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu

(773): View more from Illinois

which is why it's clearly superior

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(773): View more from Illinois

will power is for people who don't want to get laid

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am midnight drunk by noon

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants

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(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(256): View more from Alabama

As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We took shots in honor of Shark Week.

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?

(847): View more from Illinois

haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.

(217): View more from Illinois

... oops

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(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(754): View more from Florida

Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?

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(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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(650): View more from California

Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard

(970): View more from Colorado

I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock

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(707): View more from California

im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(305): View more from Florida

I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(586): View more from Michigan

I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

(586): View more from Michigan

I thought that was really considerate

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.

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(845): View more from New York

I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you

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(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?

(504): View more from Louisiana

im sorry, i don't get text messages.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day

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(816): View more from Missouri

You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

So we're fucking tonight?

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(310): View more from California

Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.

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(516): View more from New York

Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch

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(917): View more from New York City

Where you at

(1-917): View more from New York City

assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?

(917): View more from New York City

Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(203): View more from Connecticut

hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.

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(805): View more from California

i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(360): View more from Washington

I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging

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(206): View more from Washington

Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals

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(734): View more from Michigan

Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh fat girl friday strikes again...

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(718): View more from New York

He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

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(212): View more from New York

Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(917): View more from New York City

i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(850): View more from Florida

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(845): View more from New York

i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(314): View more from Missouri

It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot

(502): View more from Kentucky

Why?

(314): View more from Missouri

Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(512): View more from Texas

You surviving the open bar?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(951): View more from California

As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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