Texts From Last Night · xKcDqC's Favorites

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xKcDqC's Favorites Texts:

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(703): View more from Virginia

no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(559): View more from California

kristin has been a bad kristin

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.

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(301): View more from Maryland

porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?

(919): View more from North Carolina

i cant lie to you.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(831): View more from California

I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

(1-831): View more from California

Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(251): View more from Alabama

About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(248): View more from Michigan

im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(914): View more from New York

Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(289): View more from Ontario

I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.

(647): View more from Ontario

It's sore actually

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(440): View more from Ohio

you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What did we do last night that was yellow?

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(410): View more from Maryland

there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(303): View more from Colorado

It smells like weed.

(720): View more from Colorado

We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.

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(310): View more from California

Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.

(310): View more from California

I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(704): View more from North Carolina

the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(585): View more from New York

WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(951): View more from California

Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(212): View more from New York

Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(845): View more from New York

whjeg hajt iyt

(914): View more from New York

say what?

(845): View more from New York

wanna hang out?

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(613): View more from Ontario

it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): View more from Ontario

im not talking about this

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

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(212): View more from New York

True but thats because hes a fetus.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

(913): View more from Kansas

did you yell "are you not entertained?"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(310): View more from California

All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive

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(315): View more from New York

my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(561): View more from Florida

i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls

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(310): View more from California

I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

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(330): View more from Ohio

I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(708): View more from Illinois

High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Come on the kid is gayer than me

(757): View more from Virginia

Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

so I ended up banging her last night

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

i don't even remember

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

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(44): View more from England

What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): View more from England

It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(925): View more from California

He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i think my tv is drunk

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(212): View more from New York

brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

are we going to glenview for practice??

(847): View more from Illinois

(3 hrs later) aids

(248): View more from Michigan

where r u? what is story? im way too high right now

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(630): View more from Illinois

Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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(509): View more from Washington

am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

(678): View more from Georgia

bad news

(205): View more from Alabama

The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce

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(478): View more from Georgia

yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(813): View more from Florida

mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(518): View more from New York

Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(206): View more from Washington

I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(775): View more from Nevada

somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

well you can't waste a boner

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is that you in the white hat?

(248): View more from Michigan

Fine suit yourself

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm so fucking centered right now

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't get it.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Me neither.

(501): View more from Arkansas

But I masturbated to it anyway.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

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(805): View more from California

My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.

(541): View more from Oregon

Together?

(847): View more from Illinois

Preferably.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(360): View more from Washington

I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(909): View more from California

I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(425): View more from Washington

ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.

(206): View more from Washington

High?

(425): View more from Washington

hahahahaha turkey breast

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

(1-313): View more from Michigan

You shut your mouth

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(561): View more from Florida

new revelation: five guys for breakfast

(561): View more from Florida

new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(951): View more from California

so let's talk penis.

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

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(970): View more from Colorado

The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(845): View more from New York

I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape

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(+44): View more from England

I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(818): View more from California

i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!

(434): View more from Virginia

Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What? You're not speaking real words.

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(616): View more from Michigan

HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.

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(216): View more from Ohio

For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.

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(630): View more from Illinois

8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(831): View more from California

'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.

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(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.

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(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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(760): View more from California

...so i touched it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(949): View more from California

the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach

(1-949): View more from California

um or while having sex on a train

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(858): View more from California

I like my sex mixed with concussions.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(757): View more from Virginia

seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with

(703): View more from Virginia

Well said.

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(516): View more from New York

Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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(239): View more from Florida

R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs

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(614): View more from Ohio

she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...

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(847): View more from Illinois

I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yo dont text me then not text me

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(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

that's awkward

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm pants shitting drunk right now

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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(631): View more from New York

meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): View more from New York

wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): View more from New York

aww shit wrong text.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

SEEEEXXX PLEASE

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(443): View more from Maryland

i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Me. At least after what I've been through.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(269): View more from Michigan

im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(626): View more from California

and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(916): View more from California

I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex

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(404): View more from Georgia

last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(651): View more from Minnesota

But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are so in love

(504): View more from Louisiana

so when's the next time you get to see your balls

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(678): View more from Georgia

Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.

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(818): View more from California

Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?

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(310): View more from California

you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.

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(727): View more from Florida

I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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(706): View more from Georgia

rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(585): View more from New York

i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"

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(434): View more from Virginia

well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(650): View more from California

sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.

(415): View more from California

we had.

(650): View more from California

well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.

(240): View more from Maryland

What a good friend

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo im tryna cop a beej tonight

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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(502): View more from Kentucky

she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point

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(513): View more from Ohio

did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness

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(415): View more from California

I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess I misjudged your gender.

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(410): View more from Maryland

operation have a gay friend backfired

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(845): View more from New York

u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

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(804): View more from Virginia

I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(562): View more from California

even your uterus rejects him.

(1-562): View more from California

apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

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(913): View more from Kansas

Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(815): View more from Illinois

the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(801): View more from Utah

Yah man, that place is surreal

(731): View more from Tennessee

Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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(571): View more from Virginia

shaved balls and baby powder=awesome

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(251): View more from Alabama

Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance

(303): View more from Colorado

It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(650): View more from California

Your face is a jimmy john

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(914): View more from New York

How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(517): View more from Michigan

On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(480): View more from Arizona

you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

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(301): View more from Maryland

When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...

(301): View more from Maryland

New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(313): View more from Michigan

Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(917): View more from New York City

She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No period for spring break; use this wisely.

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(631): View more from New York

My cock was attacked by outdoor plants

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(704): View more from North Carolina

but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night

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(207): View more from Maine

she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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(616): View more from Michigan

And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.

(847): View more from Illinois

parking. I am not drunk

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(732): View more from New Jersey

a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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(815): View more from Illinois

should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.

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(979): View more from Texas

we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(858): View more from California

Umm I'm too high to move.

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(253): View more from Washington

Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab

(253): View more from Washington

I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She is in my trunk

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(912): View more from Georgia

That's intense

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(416): View more from Ontario

If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

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(520): View more from Arizona

I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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(812): View more from Indiana

apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(586): View more from Michigan

yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What'd you guys eat?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Literally everything that was frozen.

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(206): View more from Washington

genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(662): View more from Mississippi

you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now

(810): View more from Michigan

I'm so hungover and dru,k

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were grabbing cocks left and right

(808): View more from Hawaii

you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.

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(810): View more from Michigan

omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

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(214): View more from Texas

I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Wtf? Why?

(702): View more from Nevada

I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers

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(248): View more from Michigan

god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I wish i could be there for it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(518): View more from New York

Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me

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(970): View more from Colorado

Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand

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(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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(971): View more from Oregon

Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously

(503): View more from Oregon

you are my hero

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(514): View more from Quebec

Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.

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(954): View more from Florida

Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.

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(352): View more from Florida

I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?

(410): View more from Maryland

Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

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(301): View more from Maryland

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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(904): View more from Florida

how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(417): View more from Missouri

And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes

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(254): View more from Texas

my sisters under your porch take her home

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.

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(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

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(910): View more from North Carolina

too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I cannot find my penis.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(530): View more from California

i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(631): View more from New York

I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.

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(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(607): View more from New York

The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(678): View more from Georgia

nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

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(360): View more from Washington

I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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