Texts From Last Night · bethany11's Favorites

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bethany11's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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(310): View more from California

i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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(905): View more from Ontario

You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"

(1-905): View more from Ontario

He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We're using joints as your birthday candles

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(443): View more from Maryland

You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(319): View more from Iowa

So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party

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(647): View more from Ontario

You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws

(416): View more from Toronto

That explains the stains on my shirt

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet

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(903): View more from Texas

You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(509): View more from Washington

It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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(914): View more from New York

Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.

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(425): View more from Washington

we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside

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(518): View more from New York

We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(415): View more from California

Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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(301): View more from Maryland

They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."

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(678): View more from Georgia

You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(561): View more from Florida

We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(404): View more from Georgia

my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.

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(850): View more from Florida

if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.

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(310): View more from California

Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(678): View more from Georgia

When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(503): View more from Oregon

you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

What kind of balloon animal was it?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(214): View more from Texas

How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(808): View more from Hawaii

To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.

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(512): View more from Texas

he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How did you even find out?

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

(973): View more from New Jersey

Oh.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(517): View more from Michigan

he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(+04): View more from

I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

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(916): View more from California

Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home

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(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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(925): View more from California

I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

(1-925): View more from California

We just have a real special relationship.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.

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(949): View more from California

Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(253): View more from Washington

I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are we hungover?

(713): View more from Texas

I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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(323): View more from California

He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Goddamn tequila

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(415): View more from California

When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?

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(818): View more from California

I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(483): View more from

Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(954): View more from Florida

well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(214): View more from Texas

I got "discovered a new religion high" last night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Why are we friends again?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(714): View more from California

the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(620): View more from Kansas

And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing

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(407): View more from Florida

shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I think college has really matured you.

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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(850): View more from Florida

So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

(850): View more from Florida

I guess we all know what he was cookin.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(734): View more from Michigan

We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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(480): View more from Arizona

dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties

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(305): View more from Florida

nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the hells wrong with u

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(305): View more from Florida

I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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(845): View more from New York

Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face

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(618): View more from Illinois

And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

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(563): View more from Iowa

I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(630): View more from Illinois

That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet

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(319): View more from Iowa

i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Being persistent has its perks my friend.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(914): View more from New York

saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(713): View more from Texas

then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate

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(704): View more from North Carolina

the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(407): View more from Florida

at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions

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(941): View more from Florida

I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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(951): View more from California

Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(614): View more from Ohio

I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar

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(325): View more from Texas

just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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(240): View more from Maryland

she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.

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(209): View more from California

He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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(469): View more from Texas

Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

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(+52): View more from Mexico

she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(432): View more from Texas

I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life

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(757): View more from Virginia

She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?

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(850): View more from Florida

The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

(712): View more from Iowa

On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

(216): View more from Ohio

He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"

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(914): View more from New York

Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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(916): View more from California

My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room

(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this

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(509): View more from Washington

i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(865): View more from Tennessee

he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?

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(239): View more from Florida

you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys

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(518): View more from New York

med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just left the emergency room. condom extraction.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(313): View more from Michigan

you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(305): View more from Florida

i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina

(386): View more from Florida

It really is the softest mustache

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(614): View more from Ohio

Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this

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(681): View more from West Virginia

Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(703): View more from Virginia

I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(817): View more from Texas

If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(713): View more from Texas

I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz

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(425): View more from Washington

ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

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(585): View more from New York

Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

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(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.

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(289): View more from Ontario

The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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(714): View more from California

the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.

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(239): View more from Florida

We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk

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(416): View more from Toronto

The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often

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(618): View more from Illinois

An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(254): View more from Texas

I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(619): View more from California

Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...

(757): View more from Virginia

I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(503): View more from Oregon

just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care

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(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(949): View more from California

so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up

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(404): View more from Georgia

The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(530): View more from California

you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(914): View more from New York

i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(512): View more from Texas

so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(631): View more from New York

She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(214): View more from Texas

New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.

(225): View more from Louisiana

where am I supposed to find one of those?

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(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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(+44): View more from England

why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??

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(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

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(618): View more from Illinois

here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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(727): View more from Florida

i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

(1-727): View more from Florida

shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.

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(916): View more from California

You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.

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(804): View more from Virginia

They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober

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(310): View more from California

hey what are you doing

(310): View more from California

hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!

(310): View more from California

i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic

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(678): View more from Georgia

We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!

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(816): View more from Missouri

you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.

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(561): View more from Florida

I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(817): View more from Texas

what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.

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(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(721): View more from

That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

(703): View more from Virginia

omg, i know.

(721): View more from

we're too high.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

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(713): View more from Texas

She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(813): View more from Florida

watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

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(561): View more from Florida

he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.

(1-561): View more from Florida

you for real need to get over him dude

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

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(755): View more from

How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?

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(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.

(862): View more from New Jersey

yet...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(847): View more from Illinois

tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

That's how twitter works, right?

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(503): View more from Oregon

my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college

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(757): View more from Virginia

Come on the kid is gayer than me

(757): View more from Virginia

Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.

(803): View more from South Carolina

I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life

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(646): View more from New York

your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today

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(804): View more from Virginia

omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

(804): View more from Virginia

He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level

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(817): View more from Texas

well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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(786): View more from Florida

You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??

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(817): View more from Texas

I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(971): View more from Oregon

you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(518): View more from New York

i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.

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(516): View more from New York

remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.

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(915): View more from Texas

i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure

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(310): View more from California

its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(480): View more from Arizona

You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.

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(586): View more from Michigan

and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(810): View more from Michigan

my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..

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(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those

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(302): View more from Delaware

Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...

(302): View more from Delaware

I just found it. I hope it leads to food.

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(765): View more from Indiana

It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.

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(210): View more from Texas

i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs

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(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

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(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.

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(305): View more from Florida

Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.

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(240): View more from Maryland

the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash

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(845): View more from New York

I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.

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(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(415): View more from California

I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(323): View more from California

Booty call?

(310): View more from California

Dude you don't even follow my twitter

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.

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(541): View more from Oregon

definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass

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(207): View more from Maine

Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...

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(806): View more from Texas

You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

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(516): View more from New York

everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(419): View more from Ohio

Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.

(708): View more from Illinois

We need to hang out more often

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(571): View more from Virginia

I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed

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(616): View more from Michigan

Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box

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(480): View more from Arizona

he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!

(602): View more from Arizona

so its atleast an 8 for creativity.

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(845): View more from New York

I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks

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(845): View more from New York

Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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(443): View more from Maryland

If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual

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(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(773): View more from Illinois

it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"

(708): View more from Illinois

I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.

(773): View more from Illinois

don't worry... so do I

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

to do: lose virginity to hamster dance

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(586): View more from Michigan

You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot

(586): View more from Michigan

That was very cool/italian of you

(586): View more from Michigan

Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving

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(256): View more from Alabama

All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated

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(360): View more from Washington

So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(404): View more from Georgia

On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get

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(217): View more from Illinois

So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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(519): View more from Ontario

I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(714): View more from California

i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?

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(207): View more from Maine

it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.

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(752): View more from California

What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?

(209): View more from California

I think the two go hand in hand.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(905): View more from Toronto

You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.

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(254): View more from Texas

oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

4 words: hood of his car

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(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball

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(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."

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(660): View more from Missouri

How did you make it to work sans hangover?

(816): View more from Missouri

4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols

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(587): View more from Alberta

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(520): View more from Arizona

woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish costco sold astroglide.

(248): View more from Michigan

i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.

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(513): View more from Ohio

do you believe in love at first sight?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

awwwwww =)

(513): View more from Ohio

yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(517): View more from Michigan

just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!

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(540): View more from Virginia

i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth

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(206): View more from Washington

So. She dumped me today.

(425): View more from Washington

Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

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(419): View more from Ohio

who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(937): View more from Ohio

I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(516): View more from New York

I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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(906): View more from Michigan

The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

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(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(410): View more from Maryland

remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

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(209): View more from California

Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.

(224): View more from Illinois

I'm with your mom on this one.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(330): View more from Ohio

She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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(954): View more from Florida

Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!

(805): View more from California

God Bless America!

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(585): View more from New York

I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(619): View more from California

Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.

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(716): View more from New York

speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

(860): View more from Connecticut

So?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is why you shouldn't make decisions

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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(406): View more from Montana

So, how was the dinner

(1-406): View more from Montana

Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

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(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.

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(219): View more from Indiana

So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.

(360): View more from Washington

im coming over.

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(619): View more from California

I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(+33): View more from France

Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook

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(519): View more from Ontario

I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.

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(319): View more from Iowa

After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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(614): View more from Ohio

He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(314): View more from Missouri

You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.

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(281): View more from Texas

Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(330): View more from Ohio

You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(707): View more from California

admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.

(701): View more from North Dakota

The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

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(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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(210): View more from Texas

when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.

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(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

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(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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(707): View more from California

nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(214): View more from Texas

Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(914): View more from New York

He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

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(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

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(914): View more from New York

vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.

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(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(502): View more from Kentucky

im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.

(773): View more from Illinois

Stop texting me, I'm right here.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(212): View more from New York

yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(205): View more from Alabama

I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?

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(928): View more from Arizona

proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield

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(360): View more from Washington

Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

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(516): View more from New York

its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(512): View more from Texas

I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree

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(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(705): View more from Ontario

She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.

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(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..

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(785): View more from Kansas

They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

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(325): View more from Texas

3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below

(773): View more from Illinois

When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"

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(513): View more from Ohio

You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

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(440): View more from Ohio

She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

(216): View more from Ohio

Whoa, you know how to pick em.

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(904): View more from Florida

Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"

(575): View more from New Mexico

Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i just google imaged poop.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(408): View more from California

You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wish you could fill a pinata with booze

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(941): View more from Florida

Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(239): View more from Florida

And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

her facebook's as public as her vagina

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(740): View more from Ohio

ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.

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(305): View more from Florida

your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise

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(817): View more from Texas

Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

No. You're kidding.

(919): View more from North Carolina

I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.

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(614): View more from Ohio

just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache

(225): View more from Louisiana

You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice

(504): View more from Louisiana

Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?

(225): View more from Louisiana

I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(319): View more from Iowa

Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.

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(863): View more from Florida

I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(313): View more from Michigan

i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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(415): View more from California

fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): View more from Florida

I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me

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(512): View more from Texas

Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.

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(214): View more from Texas

I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"

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(817): View more from Texas

Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(510): View more from California

note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

well that was a long night...

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?

(908): View more from New Jersey

no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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(416): View more from Ontario

He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(804): View more from Virginia

the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight

(1-804): View more from Virginia

i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(586): View more from Michigan

just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

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(850): View more from Florida

He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome

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(630): View more from Illinois

There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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(386): View more from Florida

According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(207): View more from Maine

Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(718): View more from New York

im about as happy as oj after his trial

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(646): View more from New York

still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious

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(913): View more from Kansas

You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(917): View more from New York City

Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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(845): View more from New York

Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter

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(248): View more from Michigan

Haym$ered

(734): View more from Michigan

turn off your phone and go to bed

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

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(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(323): View more from California

We should be called the Road Head Warriors

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(801): View more from Utah

just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(512): View more from Texas

the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(914): View more from New York

just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(989): View more from Michigan

Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(224): View more from Illinois

someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.

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(740): View more from Ohio

so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could

(216): View more from Ohio

did she say where she was going

(740): View more from Ohio

apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(925): View more from California

Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(714): View more from California

found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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(207): View more from Maine

Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day

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(614): View more from Ohio

youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?

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(269): View more from Michigan

After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.

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(281): View more from Texas

Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

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(917): View more from New York City

you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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(309): View more from Illinois

stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(207): View more from Maine

I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

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(213): View more from California

I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

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(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(310): View more from California

Slut skills are useful in every country.

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(716): View more from New York

u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal

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(330): View more from Ohio

Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.

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(972): View more from Texas

the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(310): View more from California

she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

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(817): View more from Texas

maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(785): View more from Kansas

First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel

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(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape

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(+44): View more from England

if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed

(+44): View more from England

keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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(209): View more from California

Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

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(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(704): View more from North Carolina

we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(916): View more from California

Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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(206): View more from Washington

I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark

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(210): View more from Texas

i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(301): View more from Maryland

i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(518): View more from New York

She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(912): View more from Georgia

Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

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