Texts From Last Night · Hiphoppopodemus's Favorites

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(913): View more from Kansas

ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?

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(631): View more from New York

there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby

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(305): View more from Florida

You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think i scared a bird with my dick

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(216): View more from Ohio

guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight

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(310): View more from California

your room smells of hookers.

(904): View more from Florida

And success

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(209): View more from California

i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me

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(937): View more from Ohio

Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

woah 15?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know! what is this dateline?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(949): View more from California

i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(803): View more from South Carolina

there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

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(410): View more from Maryland

i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

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(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(406): View more from Montana

That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(817): View more from Texas

he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(443): View more from Maryland

My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(563): View more from Iowa

you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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(949): View more from California

while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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(301): View more from Maryland

Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(703): View more from Virginia

She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(240): View more from Maryland

He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(914): View more from New York

she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(607): View more from New York

people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(248): View more from Michigan

first off, his name is dougie. strike one.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i wish there were pregnant emoticons

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(607): View more from New York

Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

(1-607): View more from New York

I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(510): View more from California

Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

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(719): View more from Colorado

physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....

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(330): View more from Ohio

just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

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(646): View more from New York

Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.

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(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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(813): View more from Florida

I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.

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(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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(818): View more from California

I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie

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(503): View more from Oregon

It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(248): View more from Michigan

windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam

(630): View more from Illinois

no, it is just poor

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(310): View more from California

my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.

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(678): View more from Georgia

he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(415): View more from California

i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Talk to you next week

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(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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(773): View more from Illinois

If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(713): View more from Texas

All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(914): View more from New York

He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(330): View more from Ohio

well you can't waste a boner

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(718): View more from New York

There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

(1-313): View more from Michigan

You shut your mouth

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Tell him ill love him long time

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I'll assure him of it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.

(661): View more from California

Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(561): View more from Florida

We're facebook friends in real life

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(289): View more from Ontario

She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...

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(217): View more from Illinois

if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(513): View more from Ohio

just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore

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(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win

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(847): View more from Illinois

another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

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(719): View more from Colorado

There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(416): View more from Ontario

Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(831): View more from California

Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.

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(631): View more from New York

I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(510): View more from California

I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(714): View more from California

I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.

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(909): View more from California

flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...

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(240): View more from Maryland

We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer

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(949): View more from California

the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

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(770): View more from Georgia

next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish life had little blips of pornography

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(210): View more from Texas

Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.

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(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(760): View more from California

What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

(619): View more from California

Cremation, why do you ask?

(760): View more from California

I think we have a bit of a problem

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?

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(317): View more from Indiana

you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

How did people poop without Blackberrys?

(416): View more from Ontario

Motorola Razers?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Stone age, man.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(360): View more from Washington

Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!

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(631): View more from New York

there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(256): View more from Alabama

that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(212): View more from New York

I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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(845): View more from New York

It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(310): View more from California

So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?

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(512): View more from Texas

Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

aren't you going with children?

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(646): View more from New York

the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(517): View more from Michigan

i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook

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(614): View more from Ohio

how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(970): View more from Colorado

Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

(1-970): View more from Colorado

You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

(970): View more from Colorado

Shut the hell up.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

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(817): View more from Texas

is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

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(408): View more from California

man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

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(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.

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(586): View more from Michigan

if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."

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(850): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

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(303): View more from Colorado

pwbgyin

(1-303): View more from Colorado

what?

(303): View more from Colorado

penguin condom

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(586): View more from Michigan

dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(925): View more from California

This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I gave up sex with dolphins for you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

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(845): View more from New York

I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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(518): View more from New York

i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(201): View more from New Jersey

whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc

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(916): View more from California

I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(773): View more from Illinois

i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(323): View more from California

how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(503): View more from Oregon

I chose taco bell over sex...

(503): View more from Oregon

good choice.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(858): View more from California

I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick

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(708): View more from Illinois

A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

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(541): View more from Oregon

we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

(207): View more from Maine

OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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(602): View more from Arizona

if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy

(1-602): View more from Arizona

amen to that sister

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

or abortion recommendation cards.

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(516): View more from New York

I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(305): View more from Florida

We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(941): View more from Florida

I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie

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(248): View more from Michigan

ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

for doing what?

(248): View more from Michigan

for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(914): View more from New York

Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.

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(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

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(847): View more from Illinois

he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.

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(915): View more from Texas

dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop

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(440): View more from Ohio

Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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(623): View more from Arizona

Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

Um.. is it mean if I say yes?

(623): View more from Arizona

How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(707): View more from California

Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(765): View more from Indiana

laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(805): View more from California

When do i get to see u next week?

(1-805): View more from California

When I teabag your entire family

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?

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(425): View more from Washington

There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(623): View more from Arizona

So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!

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(858): View more from California

i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf

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(818): View more from California

he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

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(773): View more from Illinois

I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it

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(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I think college has really matured you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i think my tv is drunk

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.

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(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(850): View more from Florida

i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(313): View more from Michigan

Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Happy Birthday

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(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(760): View more from California

Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(813): View more from Florida

They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.

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(561): View more from Florida

if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?

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(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point

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(734): View more from Michigan

dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(937): View more from Ohio

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(813): View more from Florida

That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm so fucking centered right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"

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