Texts From Last Night · Massive

Sorry SpartanSaint hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Massive_Attack's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(856): View more from New Jersey

his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick

Fav 6 1386 429
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.

Fav 1 470 654
share tweet

(818): View more from California

I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.

Fav 6 913 421
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.

Fav 2 812 339
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.

Fav 2 733 338
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer

Fav 2 550 369
share tweet

(402): View more from Nebraska

I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.

Fav 7 657 401
share tweet

(773): View more from Illinois

There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.

Fav 4 559 399
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.

Fav 1 374 636
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.

Fav 1 682 481
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..

Fav 2 935 364
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?

Fav 4 1087 373
share tweet

(262): View more from Wisconsin

The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....

Fav 3 682 401
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.

Fav 2 946 339
share tweet

(614): View more from Ohio

I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend

Fav 5 653 394
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.

Fav 5 663 372
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.

Fav 1 470 479
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.

Fav 2 550 389
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits

Fav 3 709 403
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.

Fav 4 710 359
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?

Fav 2 489 803
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out

Fav 5 431 656
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Come to this bar

(1-512): View more from Texas

But I'm full of food.

(512): View more from Texas

MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK

Fav 3 1186 442
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.

Fav 2 487 355
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro

Fav 0 767 426
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I

Fav 6 688 472
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake

Fav 3 429 609
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.

Fav 4 516 746
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me

Fav 1 649 402
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.

Fav 4 1011 549
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup

Fav 3 610 819
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.

Fav 6 654 1098
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?

Fav 4 1050 592
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything

Fav 5 605 1100
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex

Fav 3 516 871
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed

Fav 5 1832 670
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.

Fav 6 1655 491
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.

(970): View more from Colorado

They were both high priority

Fav 2 843 510
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.

Fav 3 818 485
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...

Fav 3 489 934
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?

Fav 1 837 558
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.

Fav 0 689 547
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?

Fav 2 804 590
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!

Fav 3 1563 566
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.

Fav 5 1413 551
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk

Fav 3 751 762
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid

Fav 4 1060 546
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere

(514): View more from Quebec

Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever

Fav 7 1596 665
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am

Fav 2 1008 580
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.

Fav 5 1926 549
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.

Fav 3 647 845
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian

Fav 2 1396 634
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.

Fav 5 1009 735
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.

Fav 1 888 826
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.

Fav 4 1087 597
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.

Fav 1 641 802
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?

Fav 4 516 963
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???

Fav 6 538 1507
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex

Fav 2 904 618
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional

Fav 4 889 526
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.

Fav 11 1009 494
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?

Fav 7 596 980
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.

Fav 5 1137 543
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie

Fav 8 728 1382
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.

Fav 3 636 1008
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

It's not too late to disappoint her you know...

Fav 3 1225 602
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.

Fav 1 474 928
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us

Fav 1 852 474
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I go down on you because abs

Fav 1 1345 648
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.

Fav 2 901 543
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening

Fav 4 757 512
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.

Fav 1 689 579
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

Fav 4 1312 582
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"

Fav 3 1511 549
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

Fav 3 1522 581
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

Fav 3 1409 499
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.

Fav 0 885 487
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.

Fav 4 980 504
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

Fav 3 1284 674
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.

Fav 1 535 781
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

Fav 8 1663 595
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"

Fav 4 1003 564
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.

Fav 0 744 431
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.

Fav 4 606 791
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.

Fav 6 819 537
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.

Fav 2 1104 528
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

Fav 48 1367 788
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.

Fav 3 965 577
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.

Fav 2 886 548
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...

Fav 3 622 1049
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.

Fav 1 1082 561
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.

Fav 4 523 778
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?

(602): View more from Arizona

Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.

Fav 3 717 673
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

Fav 22 2378 668
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.

Fav 11 803 809
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?

Fav 6 1068 590
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.

Fav 2 1128 507
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.

Fav 19 612 1165
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude

Fav 2 1134 552
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.

Fav 3 705 538
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

Fav 7 1154 907
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

Fav 10 1087 613
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"

Fav 8 878 535
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?

Fav 10 953 648
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?

Fav 7 1116 622
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.

Fav 4 991 548
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.

Fav 1 782 559
share tweet
(213): View more from California

idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.

Fav 3 897 573
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.

Fav 3 808 576
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.

Fav 6 1012 573
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.

Fav 6 839 609
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.

Fav 4 1060 524
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo

Fav 6 583 896
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.

Fav 16 659 1835
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?

Fav 3 512 724
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.

Fav 2 1109 505
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.

Fav 4 535 895
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?

Fav 3 656 558
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won

Fav 2 1149 502
share tweet
(477): View more from

YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!

Fav 3 900 515
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

Fav 6 1750 670
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.

Fav 3 658 840
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

Fav 5 1023 580
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

Fav 4 903 573
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?

Fav 21 1206 645
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

Fav 5 936 695
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.

Fav 1 990 536
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra

Fav 2 826 551
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

Fav 3 1221 625
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

Fav 6 1537 567
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule

Fav 15 1063 710
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too

Fav 5 870 591
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.

Fav 4 918 508
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.

Fav 8 1197 716
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

So when can I meet her?

Fav 1 913 560
share tweet
(341): View more from California

I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.

(341): View more from California

But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade

Fav 13 1263 919
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.

Fav 5 693 1140
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home

Fav 5 871 765
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.

Fav 2 666 790
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order

Fav 0 711 675
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY

(618): View more from Illinois

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The D is nonnegotable.

Fav 4 1254 588
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.

Fav 4 1095 552
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police

Fav 5 1598 602
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"

(1-618): View more from Illinois

As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!

Fav 4 1500 572
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.

Fav 15 801 1614
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that would solve a million problems

Fav 3 1218 529
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

Fav 8 2111 619
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.

Fav 1 1245 602
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

Fav 4 3020 651
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket

Fav 11 1477 585
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks

Fav 2 828 545
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.

Fav 8 1283 771
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them

Fav 6 922 631
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

Fav 1 1405 528
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once

Fav 8 945 629
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by

Fav 6 825 574
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick

Fav 7 1719 618
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.

Fav 5 1098 663
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.

(936): View more from Texas

I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.

Fav 3 1157 676
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.

Fav 7 940 623
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal

Fav 9 1023 561
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.

Fav 1 582 593
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often

Fav 1 1322 604
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....

Fav 6 714 993
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.

Fav 5 616 857
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used

Fav 0 762 470
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.

Fav 4 1338 624
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.

Fav 6 994 673
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.

Fav 10 760 811
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.

Fav 4 909 531
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...

Fav 4 643 781
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.

Fav 2 1272 608
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.

Fav 3 899 672
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job

Fav 8 1155 538
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff

Fav 10 1591 727
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.

Fav 1 838 689
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.

Fav 19 828 1731
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.

(678): View more from Georgia

Good point.

Fav 3 970 623
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.

Fav 10 858 950
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up

Fav 10 703 1063
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.

Fav 2 1074 752
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.

Fav 6 646 1529
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.

Fav 5 904 598
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.

Fav 8 1607 650
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.

Fav 20 1722 866
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face

Fav 5 698 1175
share tweet
(562): View more from California

So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch

Fav 8 1057 582
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

Fav 17 1736 830
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

Fav 4 1608 758
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho

Fav 4 575 655
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

Fav 3 1861 710
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.

Fav 7 1593 605
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

Fav 4 1578 729
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.

Fav 4 977 519
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?

(1-713): View more from Texas

Yes I do

Fav 4 1104 633
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.

Fav 6 1254 764
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.

Fav 4 1471 573
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!

Fav 6 1214 536
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?

Fav 4 737 928
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'

Fav 4 814 510
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?

Fav 14 1273 536
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!

Fav 3 982 723
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.

Fav 9 1347 579
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.

Fav 6 1841 562
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.

Fav 3 689 615
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!

Fav 6 1871 651
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.

Fav 10 1406 593
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy

Fav 4 1229 474
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!

Fav 9 612 1280
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.

Fav 3 1275 603
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.

Fav 12 1146 551
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.

Fav 4 1482 541
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that

Fav 8 1886 629
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.

Fav 3 1448 590
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

On my way

Fav 5 1407 603
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

Fav 6 1890 642
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off

(720): View more from Colorado

I mean come on

Fav 9 616 1083
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Two dicks, one me.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yoga's definitely paying off.

Fav 9 1181 619
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

Fav 6 1714 777
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

Fav 7 1525 876
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.

(605): View more from South Dakota

When was that?

(515): View more from Iowa

Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.

Fav 9 999 1401
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers

Fav 6 970 513
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

Fav 6 2064 753
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

Fav 2 1007 570
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.

Fav 3 1294 617
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Next. Level. Shit.

Fav 5 1543 586
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!

Fav 5 1135 576
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.

Fav 19 1308 726
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.

Fav 5 1167 563
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?

Fav 11 1197 728
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted

Fav 4 2068 669
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.

Fav 10 1294 666
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

Fav 3 1756 619
share tweet
(408): View more from California

if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt

Fav 3 1146 842
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.

Fav 2 845 569
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What did he say?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!

Fav 6 1174 635
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Best superhero ever to exist

Fav 6 1351 556
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.

Fav 10 742 972
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love

Fav 1 1189 576
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.

Fav 5 1084 529
share tweet
(343): View more from Ontario

You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.

Fav 12 2624 645
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.

Fav 2 864 543
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas

Fav 3 1004 529
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.

Fav 8 984 629
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?

Fav 13 619 971
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.

Fav 8 628 1791
share tweet
(681): View more from West Virginia

I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion

(743): View more from

It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you

Fav 3 1400 658
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.

Fav 3 634 1429
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.

Fav 6 1392 500
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex

(816): View more from Missouri

...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship

Fav 3 1679 601
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.

Fav 5 1525 560
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.

Fav 2 576 1110
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.

Fav 2 571 998
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

Fav 11 2253 613
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.

Fav 4 1402 578
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

Fav 7 1310 633
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Did you at least offer to let him get it out??

Fav 4 1121 703
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!

Fav 11 577 1127
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

Fav 6 2140 637
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.

Fav 6 1179 669
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.

Fav 6 590 1157
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?

Fav 2 1506 636
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?

Fav 3 1088 575
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

Fav 6 1466 561
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.

Fav 1 939 572
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.

Fav 4 1247 487
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....

Fav 3 796 1077
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.

(707): View more from California

And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

Fav 3 1130 645
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

Fav 14 1775 589
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

Fav 7 1209 553
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.

Fav 10 1530 628
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.

Fav 3 910 544
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.

(1-660): View more from Missouri

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER

Fav 6 1203 768
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew

Fav 4 1332 602
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack

(1-315): View more from New York

This is why I love you...

Fav 5 1129 471
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.

Fav 7 615 1680
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

Fav 10 2120 697
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.

Fav 6 610 1213
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.

Fav 9 1577 595
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.

Fav 3 1331 497
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

Fav 16 1217 1898
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material

Fav 6 1684 516
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.

Fav 8 1436 513
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.

Fav 11 1652 604
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me

Fav 8 1386 667
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.

Fav 12 835 961
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

Fav 6 3036 766
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.

Fav 2 577 903
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

Fav 5 1818 679
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

Fav 2 1528 633
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight

Fav 7 1545 622
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.

Fav 4 1388 511
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.

Fav 4 670 880
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

Fav 5 2019 763
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!

Fav 2 910 606
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS

Fav 3 615 880
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Should I go sleeveless of strapless?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.

Fav 2 1890 682
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot

Fav 6 839 994
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD

Fav 6 1416 568
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'

Fav 6 1642 639
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.

Fav 10 1447 686
share tweet
(442): View more from California

Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.

Fav 5 812 1547
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW

Fav 12 1213 559
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.

Fav 7 1221 667
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.

Fav 4 1605 600
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?

(540): View more from Virginia

yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.

Fav 1 1060 695
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

Fav 6 2281 681
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

Fav 4 758 1144
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

Fav 17 4176 817
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.

Fav 3 983 652
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.

Fav 4 889 459
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

Fav 12 2015 676
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.

Fav 4 2007 604
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

Fav 8 957 1671
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

Fav 4 1383 565
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock

Fav 10 2056 719
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk

Fav 4 845 694
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl

Fav 3 1364 521
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast

(480): View more from Arizona

I'm so there

Fav 1 1162 591
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

Fav 11 2774 807
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.

Fav 3 899 483
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

Fav 7 861 946
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"

Fav 9 1476 698
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.

Fav 7 1051 608
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Coming.

Fav 8 1627 679
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

Fav 5 1225 780
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

Fav 16 2037 1261
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms

Fav 4 656 1141
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..

Fav 4 1248 517
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...

Fav 11 1620 707
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.

Fav 5 1833 668
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

Fav 9 1533 1056
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.

Fav 4 2262 653
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.

(810): View more from Michigan

They're like sad pomegranates.

Fav 4 652 1456
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

Fav 5 1862 665
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

Fav 8 1176 634
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me

Fav 6 1037 1595
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

Fav 11 2835 934
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

Fav 4 1694 757
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

Fav 6 2124 792
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

Fav 7 1826 852
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

Fav 6 2412 733
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

Fav 16 2852 1229
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

Fav 5 2372 1070
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life

Fav 15 954 1432
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.

Fav 7 627 915
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.

Fav 5 632 997
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

Fav 14 1810 965
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

Fav 11 2481 733
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

Fav 22 3607 892
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying

Fav 7 1331 773
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!

Fav 13 720 1233
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

Fav 6 2062 1063
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

Fav 16 2885 1168
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.

Fav 8 1476 1051
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

Fav 15 3304 844
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

Fav 15 1277 1520
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

Fav 7 1517 776
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

Fav 13 1127 1779
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

Fav 5 2890 860
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

Fav 25 3815 1004
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

Fav 14 2042 1404
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

Fav 15 1076 2724
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

Fav 7 1353 987
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.

Fav 12 642 2021
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 4 1594 711
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."

(216): View more from Ohio

Valid question

Fav 6 1819 746
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

Fav 8 1924 1253
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"

Fav 6 2083 944
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.

Fav 6 1394 736
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

Fav 7 1921 821
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina

Fav 7 873 1576
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"

Fav 8 1905 801
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.

Fav 5 1443 642
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.

Fav 8 1681 765
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.

Fav 3 1561 663
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

Fav 13 3077 916
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.

Fav 4 1524 698
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

Fav 8 1718 865
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF

Fav 6 2350 774
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

Fav 27 3890 1106
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3026 837
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

Fav 11 2201 805
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I can dry shave vagina like a champ

Fav 20 945 2206
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems

(702): View more from Nevada

I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula

Fav 9 1559 1176
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.

Fav 5 3200 849
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book

Fav 4 1230 817
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

Fav 10 3193 934
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

Fav 13 2923 902
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

Fav 18 1664 929
share tweet
(681): View more from West Virginia

Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.

Fav 12 2006 738
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

Fav 6 1876 712
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.

Fav 14 2507 734
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

Fav 11 2450 1102
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.

Fav 17 1723 872
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

Fav 11 2531 818
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.

Fav 8 1954 827
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

Fav 4 1485 947
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

Fav 20 3938 1229
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.

Fav 21 875 2292
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

Fav 18 1655 2177
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.

Fav 7 1655 785
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

Fav 9 1802 1261
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.

Fav 9 885 1551
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife

(440): View more from Ohio

My tits sealed my fate

Fav 9 1111 1103
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?

(315): View more from New York

His step dad chiming in on the jokes.

Fav 6 1660 946
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.

Fav 3 1386 855
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.

Fav 8 1067 1775
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.

Fav 10 2498 745
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.

Fav 16 1308 2151
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.

Fav 10 1706 800
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.

Fav 12 1730 757
share tweet
(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

Fav 10 3825 999
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

Fav 9 2621 869
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.

Fav 4 2134 798
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears

Fav 15 1112 1900
share tweet
(909): View more from California

No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back

Fav 2 1585 714
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

Fav 12 2502 1009
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

Fav 12 2945 876
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

Fav 15 1849 1196
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.

Fav 5 1112 734
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

You bought MORE?!

Fav 8 847 1416
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.

Fav 8 887 1685
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

Fav 30 1560 4295
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

Fav 20 5077 1303
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right

Fav 3 1496 635
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

Fav 11 2657 972
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...

Fav 5 1963 931
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

Fav 27 3794 1294
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.

Fav 14 1887 771
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.

Fav 5 1716 753
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

Fav 5 2436 1020
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.

Fav 10 1752 829
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying

Fav 8 793 1672
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.

Fav 7 2154 695
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

Fav 9 2463 918
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

Fav 8 1868 877
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

Fav 13 2325 1863
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?

Fav 3 2267 1276
share tweet
(209): View more from California

So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility

Fav 7 1982 1353
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.

(1-631): View more from New York

I love your life.

Fav 10 2095 805
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!

Fav 11 2401 863
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.

Fav 6 1442 952
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

Fav 7 1761 1005
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So Monday we're lesbians.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.

Fav 6 1563 739
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"

Fav 4 774 1371
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?

Fav 16 965 1842
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.

Fav 7 1421 1066
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.

Fav 11 811 1647
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

Fav 4 2051 969
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

Fav 11 3816 941
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

Fav 5 3570 986
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.

Fav 7 2326 981
share tweet
(530): View more from California

i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.

Fav 8 1437 716
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

Fav 20 3998 972
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3282 1065
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.

Fav 6 1165 1055
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now

Fav 11 2258 865
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

Fav 12 2849 1294
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...

Fav 17 851 2089
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.

Fav 7 1564 1111
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.

Fav 9 1594 915
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..

Fav 6 1681 657
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.

Fav 11 1937 907
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.

Fav 7 1515 847
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

Fav 10 2491 916
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

Fav 14 3029 1043
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.

Fav 12 1833 841
share tweet
(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

Fav 20 2692 1167
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

Fav 17 2536 906
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"

Fav 9 1595 871
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

Fav 3 2714 893
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

Fav 16 2822 1127
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

Fav 7 2370 856
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

Fav 11 2302 828
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.

Fav 8 1022 1799
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.

Fav 5 2340 922
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

Fav 7 985 2155
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

Fav 12 1053 1912
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw

Fav 7 1565 757
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

Fav 12 1772 1137
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

Fav 5 2458 934
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

Fav 14 4237 931
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

Fav 15 3302 784
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

Fav 8 2128 812
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

Fav 16 5351 1143
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward

(213): View more from California

There's a lil minaj in everyone

Fav 7 2034 1068
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

Fav 16 2067 956
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.

Fav 8 1739 883
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

Fav 12 3622 1161
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

Fav 7 2569 800
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

Fav 14 2441 1002
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

Fav 13 2163 843
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"

(404): View more from Georgia

I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.

Fav 3 2714 894
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.

Fav 5 1399 778
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

Fav 10 2416 937
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.

Fav 22 1724 1036
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.

Fav 4 1288 780
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!

Fav 13 1689 818
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.

Fav 7 1380 835
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience

Fav 5 1565 804
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took

Fav 6 1706 716
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.

Fav 10 1059 1563
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

Fav 11 2251 762
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.

Fav 12 1312 804
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

Fav 5 2343 797
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

Fav 13 2604 971
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.

Fav 8 1382 865
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check

Fav 8 1798 734
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5

Fav 2 1537 954
share tweet
(714): View more from California

A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

Fav 8 1886 1102
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.

Fav 14 1284 2366
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

Fav 12 1842 821
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

Fav 8 2174 661
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

Fav 26 1689 1130
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

Fav 12 2620 1489
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

Fav 5 1897 1061
share tweet
(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

Fav 10 2639 1841
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

Fav 6 1463 815
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

Fav 18 1220 2665
share tweet
(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

Fav 7 2214 858
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

Fav 10 2246 827
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

Fav 4 2816 1286
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.

Fav 11 2068 941
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill

(1-631): View more from New York

omg. that's awesome

Fav 9 1714 874
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying

Fav 7 950 2401
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.

Fav 6 1363 947
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

Fav 11 1460 3322
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.

Fav 6 2306 1129
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

Fav 12 2446 807
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

Fav 5 2139 730
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.

Fav 13 1905 980
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

Fav 10 2714 780
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic

Fav 9 2081 989
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

Fav 13 4108 1162
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

Fav 11 1237 1867
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

Fav 57 1842 2894
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

Fav 12 3547 1045
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

Fav 15 3411 879
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

Fav 9 1848 814
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

Fav 6 1920 822
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

Fav 7 2521 838
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner

Fav 10 2445 1129
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

Fav 22 1147 2500
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

Fav 12 1782 844
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one

Fav 13 662 2045
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.

Fav 4 2009 636
share tweet
(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

Fav 7 3557 893
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

Fav 29 4457 1328
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

Fav 6 947 1548
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

Fav 7 2297 924
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

Fav 6 2937 804
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

Fav 4 1820 938
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

Fav 28 6538 1216
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.

Fav 3 706 1200
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.

Fav 7 1954 777
share tweet
(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

Fav 14 3978 1071
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?

Fav 15 920 1426
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.

Fav 11 2482 1004
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

Fav 13 3005 923
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.

Fav 6 1409 1241
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?

Fav 9 2325 902
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

Fav 14 794 3206
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

Fav 13 1416 3237
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.

Fav 6 1556 717
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.

Fav 3 1526 998
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

Fav 7 1821 767
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

Fav 7 3174 1254
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

Fav 7 2921 862
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

Fav 9 4239 1023
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

Fav 15 5205 1124
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.

Fav 5 711 1623
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.

Fav 11 1474 734
share tweet
(280): View more from

So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.

Fav 12 2474 762
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

Fav 24 956 1896
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

Fav 11 2410 1082
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

Fav 11 2543 885
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

Fav 7 3165 1077
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.

Fav 2 1154 974
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

Fav 29 3856 1030
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

Fav 10 2805 970
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.

Fav 5 1536 697
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

Fav 7 4062 1000
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

Fav 18 2891 1043
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

Fav 27 2421 1301
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.

Fav 9 1584 1274
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

Fav 11 2184 769
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.

Fav 6 1891 1219
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

Fav 10 2300 1613
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl

Fav 2 1754 1329
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

Fav 22 2797 1471
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

Fav 14 2894 1208
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

Fav 3 1978 1206
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

Fav 4 1958 707
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

Fav 10 902 2234
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.

Fav 6 1119 1819
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

Fav 6 3458 1256
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

Fav 27 3314 1033
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case

(573): View more from Missouri

WTF.

Fav 6 1727 857
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

Fav 14 1313 3651
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

Fav 28 3402 1551
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

Fav 4 2896 1274
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.

Fav 4 916 1782
share tweet
(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

Fav 12 2624 895
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

Fav 13 2335 1175
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.

Fav 6 900 1797
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!

Fav 4 1616 672
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

Fav 10 3669 959
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

Fav 14 1001 4010
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.

Fav 13 2047 1408
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

Fav 6 2709 943
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

Fav 10 1711 962
share tweet
(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

Fav 1 1631 1736
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

Fav 12 2493 764
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.

Fav 7 924 1906
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

Fav 11 3159 859
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

Fav 11 2409 903
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

Fav 12 3299 918
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?

Fav 3 1285 769
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

Fav 7 2118 932
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

Fav 13 1756 1656
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.

(682): View more from Texas

They're mostly guys

(817): View more from Texas

Early bird gets the worm.

Fav 7 2807 913
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

Fav 5 3051 763
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

Fav 6 2715 930
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

Fav 3 2954 826
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

Fav 9 2196 1019
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

Fav 5 2037 826
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.

Fav 18 2155 800
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.

Fav 5 1228 1556
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

(615): View more from Tennessee

Lesbians are weird.

Fav 4 1966 897
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?

Fav 10 2984 836
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.

Fav 10 1902 996
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4217 1126
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

Fav 10 3900 936
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

Fav 17 1038 3827
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home

Fav 1 1459 742
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!

Fav 1 910 1546
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

Fav 6 1763 935
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Fav 6 1151 1968
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

Fav 3 1775 896
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked

Fav 4 1934 972
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.

Fav 9 2435 1319
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.

Fav 11 1524 1081
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.

Fav 15 3025 866
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

Fav 4 1523 779
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

Fav 7 2707 781
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

Fav 24 1254 3137
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.

Fav 10 1494 782
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS

Fav 17 2727 948
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

Fav 8 2383 832
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

Fav 3 2657 882
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

Fav 17 3210 1028
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...

Fav 7 2009 1165
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.

Fav 2 817 1559
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Sobriety and mild self-respect

Fav 5 1707 930
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

Fav 9 2929 813
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

Fav 6 2112 957
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!

Fav 12 815 1888
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

Fav 11 1810 862
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that

Fav 8 676 1274
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

Fav 7 2162 937
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..

(630): View more from Illinois

how did he take it?

(847): View more from Illinois

not as well as i would have thought

Fav 6 1757 960
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

Fav 7 1887 769
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

Fav 12 1827 817
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!

Fav 20 1544 760
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.

Fav 3 1364 846
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

Fav 3 2206 1199
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?

Fav 7 893 1702
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.

Fav 11 2127 890
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

Fav 23 2894 1117
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.

Fav 8 1683 779
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.

Fav 7 2048 1179
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.

Fav 6 2118 785
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

Fav 15 2451 875
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

Fav 12 2127 993
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

Fav 9 5818 1148
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

Fav 14 2325 1554
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

Fav 13 941 3031
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.

Fav 8 668 1370
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

Fav 9 2605 985
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

Fav 8 3077 1011
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

Fav 29 4363 1014
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

Fav 17 1184 3104
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

Fav 23 1113 3506
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

Fav 10 2449 856
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

Fav 16 919 3055
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

Fav 21 3122 944
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.

Fav 12 2424 708
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready

Fav 15 2034 1653
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection

Fav 8 787 1988
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

Fav 6 2024 872
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.

Fav 9 2726 787
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

Fav 8 3347 1237
share tweet
(760): View more from California

You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare

Fav 13 1019 2566
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.

Fav 7 1888 820
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.

Fav 1 643 1435
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

Fav 9 1353 981
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

Fav 6 2524 950
share tweet
(455): View more from

As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

Fav 10 860 2443
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

Fav 7 1198 1621
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.

Fav 4 1773 790
share tweet
(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

Fav 2 2136 1140
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

(440): View more from Ohio

The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

Fav 14 1869 897
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

Fav 8 3071 1292
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

Fav 3 3102 970
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

Fav 19 3164 902
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.

Fav 7 1967 1113
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.

Fav 14 1724 956
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.

Fav 12 2267 850
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4343 1444
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.

Fav 11 1228 1798
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw

Fav 12 3132 933
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.

Fav 11 2377 1069
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

Fav 18 4415 1104
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?

Fav 10 1933 844
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

Fav 15 3808 998
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

Fav 12 2289 1131
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

Fav 16 5470 1571
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

Fav 12 2988 1634
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.

Fav 13 1879 1487
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

Fav 6 3862 1448
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

Fav 25 1621 6354
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

Fav 14 3339 1614
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She puked her nose ring out of her face.

Fav 11 1586 3019
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Figured I'd get right to the point

Fav 8 1129 1810
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.

Fav 11 1772 914
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.

Fav 10 2191 851
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit

(1-772): View more from Florida

Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex

Fav 8 909 1582
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...

Fav 5 1590 887
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

Fav 18 2806 1314
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.

Fav 8 1719 986
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

Fav 10 2064 960
share tweet
(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

Fav 12 1386 2355
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?

Fav 26 1157 2773
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again

Fav 5 1499 1262
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

Fav 6 2855 878
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

Fav 51 1312 5047
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.

Fav 17 970 2342
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend

Fav 11 2744 1071
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.

Fav 59 1249 5690
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

Fav 3 1883 733
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.

Fav 11 2278 847
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

Fav 10 1474 969
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

Fav 11 2457 837
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

Fav 4 1833 733
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

Fav 7 1465 855
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.

Fav 8 2297 868
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

Fav 17 2789 1017
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

Fav 18 943 1719
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras

Fav 3 2097 730
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

Fav 5 3627 898
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Go her

Fav 6 2333 911
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?

Fav 10 713 1982
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

Fav 15 2322 773
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

Fav 32 1201 3414
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.

Fav 2 725 1337
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

Fav 9 3168 907
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

Fav 10 2445 1107
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

Fav 10 3391 1115
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

Fav 21 1154 2273
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

Fav 19 2994 1062
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

Fav 18 3985 1014
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...

Fav 2 1227 826
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

Fav 3 1747 1426
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.

Fav 14 1658 873
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

Fav 2 2372 925
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

Fav 16 2296 1448
share tweet
(408): View more from California

After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.

Fav 20 1727 1170
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule

(856): View more from New Jersey

Lmao sorry

Fav 2 2398 1024
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

Fav 6 4041 1046
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago

Fav 3 2160 834
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!

Fav 9 1843 815
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

Fav 12 1015 2497
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

Fav 4 2018 831
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

Fav 9 1708 1186
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

Fav 8 2650 824
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot

Fav 5 2382 887
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

Fav 8 3234 1086
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...

Fav 4 1546 785
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

Fav 20 3272 1334
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

Fav 14 1083 2932
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

Fav 12 4538 1065
share tweet
(562): View more from California

well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed

Fav 13 2451 996
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

Fav 16 4603 1115
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

(281): View more from Texas

If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

Fav 16 2695 910
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

Fav 5 1429 1965
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

Fav 14 3794 924
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

Fav 32 3778 1732
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.

Fav 13 2462 1235
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.

Fav 9 1899 892
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

Fav 10 3177 832
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

Fav 15 2185 936
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

Fav 10 2312 799
share tweet
(707): View more from California

It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.

Fav 20 1818 861
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

Fav 17 2834 831
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

Fav 9 3867 1104
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot

Fav 5 2166 974
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

Fav 4 2508 958
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!

Fav 12 2506 875
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.

Fav 15 3447 887
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 5 3708 1017
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

Fav 12 3304 1181
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

Fav 17 1143 2716
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

Fav 17 2807 824
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

Fav 35 3419 1077
share tweet
(264): View more from Anguilla

I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.

Fav 9 2271 1037
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think

Fav 15 1931 1059
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

Fav 16 2451 1293
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled

Fav 6 752 1379
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.

Fav 17 1184 1659
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason

Fav 26 936 1999
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.

Fav 5 1802 747
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

Fav 8 2483 1500
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

Fav 19 1488 2674
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

Fav 9 2954 846
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.

Fav 7 1641 953
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think

Fav 17 1141 2471
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

Fav 11 2102 1110
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night

Fav 11 2890 1732
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

Fav 8 1155 2211
share tweet
(420): View more from

It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.

Fav 6 1716 660
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

Fav 10 2888 842
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

Fav 29 4166 1022
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."

Fav 10 2260 969
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

Fav 12 3629 1143
share tweet
(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

Fav 4 4493 1104
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.

Fav 4 1602 910
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

Fav 26 4065 978
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

Fav 15 1070 2066
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal

Fav 6 2212 930
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.

Fav 11 2254 744
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

Fav 14 3708 926
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.

Fav 3 846 1354
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

Fav 16 3388 829
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

Fav 6 2500 985
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

Fav 7 4901 1153
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

Fav 4 1055 2031
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

Fav 9 1112 2262
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

Fav 13 4204 1197
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

Fav 14 2252 1164
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.

Fav 18 1249 4226
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

Fav 7 2810 844
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.

Fav 11 899 1809
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?

Fav 9 2005 754
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

Fav 13 3594 908
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

Fav 18 1834 1859
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

Fav 2 2657 995
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

Fav 18 4546 1171
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

Fav 12 4096 865
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina

Fav 5 910 1597
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.

Fav 6 1918 718
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

Fav 16 2582 1195
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.

Fav 4 937 1446
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

Fav 10 2826 1367
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.

Fav 21 1169 1631
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

Fav 17 988 1875
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

Fav 7 4773 1145
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

Fav 7 2851 1201
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

Fav 20 3938 1203
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.

Fav 12 1223 2276
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.

Fav 7 1085 2008
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

Fav 5 2273 799
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

Fav 11 3787 860
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?

Fav 7 1611 974
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

(1-310): View more from California

Make one for john too.

Fav 3 1573 1817
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

Fav 10 3912 999
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

Fav 21 7512 1220
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

Fav 16 2455 918
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

Fav 19 2052 2347
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..

Fav 9 1876 1252
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.

Fav 11 2323 886
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

Fav 16 2737 1179
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

Fav 19 1778 1210
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

Fav 7 2497 851
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...

Fav 15 903 2337
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.

Fav 7 1846 1441
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.

Fav 5 1875 1031
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.

Fav 14 985 2563
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

Fav 14 4188 1162
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

Fav 15 4129 939
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on

Fav 7 1746 1175
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

Fav 29 4046 1150
share tweet
(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

Fav 9 3134 1138
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

Fav 20 4730 1155
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

Fav 16 4343 1198
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

Fav 18 3056 1265
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?

(563): View more from Iowa

1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World

Fav 4 2123 1535
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

(208): View more from Idaho

Beautiful, beautiful reality

Fav 3 2336 814
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

Fav 15 2631 1011
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"

Fav 7 2069 827
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.

Fav 2 1088 2220
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

Fav 11 4077 1015
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.

Fav 23 1174 3446
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

Fav 9 4746 1032
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

Fav 7 3276 1089
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?

Fav 9 1148 1513
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.

Fav 12 2074 857
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

Fav 18 2546 1027
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.

Fav 11 1642 2353
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

Fav 12 3070 981
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.

Fav 25 1861 1760
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..

Fav 9 971 2087
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.

Fav 17 1179 1906
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

Fav 14 2355 1089
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

Fav 37 1558 3317
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever

Fav 11 846 3334
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.

Fav 12 2867 869
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.

Fav 5 673 1488
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

Fav 23 1332 2457
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?

Fav 19 973 2050
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?

Fav 14 881 2396
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.

Fav 5 858 1991
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

Fav 14 3302 974
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

Fav 33 1769 5265
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

Fav 3 2698 955
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.

Fav 10 1037 2314
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

Fav 11 2605 881
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

Fav 5 2868 854
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.

Fav 9 750 2827
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world

(1-631): View more from New York

It's like a tribute to you being a slut

Fav 4 2089 850
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw

Fav 6 1842 1032
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

Fav 21 2330 1318
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

Fav 11 3064 822
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.

Fav 6 1405 750
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

Fav 20 3848 1055
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

Fav 2 1945 1529
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Fav 6 1338 789
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.

Fav 7 2647 929
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married

Fav 6 1036 1952
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.

Fav 13 1231 2328
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

Fav 14 2651 952
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

Fav 3 2561 976
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

Fav 4 2400 939
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

Fav 12 2949 941
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.

Fav 3 747 2933
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

Fav 23 2922 1069
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

Fav 28 4820 1182
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing

Fav 13 2541 876
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

Fav 17 3556 1141
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.

Fav 4 771 2167
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I can do at least one of those things.

Fav 2 2032 688
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.

Fav 8 1742 919
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

Fav 10 2088 1368
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

Fav 10 2159 1395
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

Fav 3 2540 944
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

Fav 8 2438 1020
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.

Fav 14 821 2987
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

Fav 22 3841 1451
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.

Fav 7 1635 1149
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

(910): View more from North Carolina

im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

Fav 26 1174 2744
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

Fav 3 1954 980
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.

Fav 10 888 1929
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

Fav 20 2249 1028
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were

Fav 12 2888 961
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.

Fav 20 972 2157
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

Fav 18 1748 3128
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..

Fav 26 1483 3017
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

Fav 12 1655 2785
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

Fav 12 2218 4061
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

Fav 34 2318 1062
share tweet
(949): View more from California

He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.

Fav 32 3965 1001
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

Fav 10 1761 1261
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

Fav 8 2463 1028
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

Fav 16 1587 1172
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.

Fav 18 900 1828
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.

Fav 21 1128 1826
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

Fav 13 5356 1171
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

Fav 6 3638 963
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

Fav 10 3738 1316
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

Fav 10 3611 1542
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

Fav 7 3072 1024
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

Fav 7 2757 1251
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.

Fav 8 1081 1588
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

Fav 13 3653 1118
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

Fav 8 836 2410
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

Fav 13 3118 741
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.

Fav 8 2663 801
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

Fav 8 923 2500
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.

Fav 6 2774 917
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

Fav 20 5315 1103
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with

Fav 11 979 2874
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.

Fav 5 2897 867
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?

Fav 8 1653 746
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?

Fav 21 2863 1270
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

Fav 9 2476 1314
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.

Fav 7 2982 843
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

Fav 13 4975 1199
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl

Fav 5 1181 1662
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.

Fav 2 1604 1009
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

Fav 23 4078 1182
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.

Fav 7 1054 1830
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

Fav 5 1517 1678
share tweet
(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

Fav 14 4901 1529
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.

Fav 5 1924 874
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

Fav 20 3050 926
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?

Fav 14 2885 949
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.

Fav 10 2008 1073
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

Fav 10 1196 1891
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

Fav 10 4026 929
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

Fav 10 3103 930
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

Fav 11 4729 1056
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

Fav 9 1325 2420
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

Fav 25 6499 1154
share tweet
(310): View more from California

That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI

Fav 14 865 1702
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

Fav 4 3343 981
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

Fav 15 1225 3039
share tweet
(559): View more from California

well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"

Fav 7 1240 2829
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas

Fav 8 1800 964
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex

Fav 13 3420 1115
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8745 1452
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

Fav 17 4390 992
share tweet
(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

Fav 17 7110 1756
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.

Fav 63 3702 1117
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

Fav 15 3741 1237
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

Fav 19 2735 945
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7701 1376
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

Fav 12 3230 1126
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

Fav 22 4795 952
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.

Fav 22 3279 1452
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

Fav 7 2933 971
share tweet
(562): View more from California

as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.

Fav 13 2153 956
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

Fav 21 4123 1034
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

Fav 16 4238 1223
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

Fav 8 2879 966
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): View more from Colorado

LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

Fav 11 4250 1106
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

Fav 27 4963 1824
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

Fav 14 4009 1065
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

Fav 21 3978 1049
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

Fav 3 5274 1092
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

Fav 9 3212 965
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

Fav 24 4548 1300
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.

(419): View more from Ohio

....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.

Fav 21 2537 949
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"

Fav 17 2280 1644
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

Fav 21 1773 2709
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina

Fav 9 2884 1047
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style

Fav 5 2318 877
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless

Fav 10 2146 912
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...

Fav 15 1326 2222
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

Fav 11 1339 3636
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?

Fav 19 2160 1210
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

Fav 6 2769 943
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

Fav 26 6379 1403
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.

Fav 7 995 1890
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

Fav 6 2414 856
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

Fav 28 1105 3939
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

Fav 21 3741 1602
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

Fav 8 3346 977
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

Fav 11 2643 924
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

Fav 14 4599 1037
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

Fav 15 3966 1045
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

Fav 10 3389 1216
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

Fav 20 3365 1045
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

Fav 11 2563 1441
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"

Fav 16 2767 905
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

Fav 7 2201 1042
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

Fav 9 3887 1173
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

Fav 9 4208 1029
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow

Fav 27 2738 1314
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

Fav 77 19444 3090
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20584 2710
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

Fav 38 19325 1260
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

Fav 105 19709 2137
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20513 2057
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

Fav 70 19904 1629
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

Fav 64 20234 1837
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

Fav 51 20491 1229
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

Fav 87 21061 2049
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21451 2743
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21339 2219
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

Fav 33 22362 2583
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22564 3004
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

Fav 76 21363 1455
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

Fav 182 22027 3256
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

Fav 76 22872 3320
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22481 1748
share tweet
(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

Fav 35 22812 1335
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

Fav 47 23059 1508
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

Fav 104 24499 1398
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

Fav 114 25315 1361
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

Fav 25 24633 1593
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

Fav 15 25466 1419
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26494 2352
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

Fav 358 25038 8200
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3373
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26630 1764
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

Fav 71 26944 1800
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26961 5270
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

Fav 75 26730 2057
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27831 2975
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29359 1881
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28610 1845
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

Fav 69 28522 2188
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

Fav 61 29237 1746
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29086 3218
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

Fav 111 30496 1715
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

Fav 71 30270 1905
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35069 2922
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3930
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Fav 79 39336 2228
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40100 2218
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41647 2327
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 42090 1697
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

Fav 145 41242 2026
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46795 4630
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48824 2423
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

Fav 139 45458 10188
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46244 4282
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61944 8176
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67233 3288
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96430 5746
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120257 4362
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

Fav 10 6266 1320
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

Fav 21 4208 2282
share tweet