Texts From Last Night · miteo's Favorites

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miteo's Favorites Texts:

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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(585): View more from New York

He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.

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(212): View more from New York

Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?

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(361): View more from Texas

My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis

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(775): View more from Nevada

Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb

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(330): View more from Ohio

Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"

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(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight

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(770): View more from Georgia

Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.

(865): View more from Tennessee

How do you even...

(770): View more from Georgia

The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.

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(214): View more from Texas

His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(713): View more from Texas

You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher

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(951): View more from California

oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....

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(917): View more from New York City

Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene

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(519): View more from Ontario

I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.

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(720): View more from Colorado

There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11

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(586): View more from Michigan

I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?

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(248): View more from Michigan

By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it

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(519): View more from Ontario

Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?

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(718): View more from New York

I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on

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(541): View more from Oregon

well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick

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(713): View more from Texas

I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick

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(714): View more from California

HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.

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(281): View more from Texas

He told me how it ended, then I blew him.

(303): View more from Colorado

So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??

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(317): View more from Indiana

Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.

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(477): View more from

YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!

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(214): View more from Texas

Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sooooo, no second date?

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(512): View more from Texas

He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small

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(952): View more from Minnesota

FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY

(618): View more from Illinois

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The D is nonnegotable.

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(786): View more from Florida

When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.

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(618): View more from Illinois

After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...

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(620): View more from Kansas

I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?

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(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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(240): View more from Maryland

You said dick pics aren't attractive

(301): View more from Maryland

Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

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(516): View more from New York

I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick

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(740): View more from Ohio

I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.

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(917): View more from New York City

He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.

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(440): View more from Ohio

"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(941): View more from Florida

She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.

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(613): View more from Ontario

He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"

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(+61): View more from Australia

He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.

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(512): View more from Texas

Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.

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(085): View more from

I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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(785): View more from Kansas

His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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(226): View more from Ontario

We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.

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(760): View more from California

So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.

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(772): View more from Florida

I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'

(701): View more from North Dakota

That's true love, there.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to like rub my face on his abs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I need help

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

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(614): View more from Ohio

i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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(076): View more from

He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick

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(309): View more from Illinois

Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)

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(630): View more from Illinois

no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..

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(209): View more from California

I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(512): View more from Texas

He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(858): View more from California

Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

(1-858): View more from California

next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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(951): View more from California

Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina

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(518): View more from New York

Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

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(989): View more from Michigan

Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773): View more from Illinois

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(516): View more from New York

Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

(917): View more from New York City

An adult?

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(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see

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(914): View more from New York

She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(469): View more from Texas

Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

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(309): View more from Illinois

they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(317): View more from Indiana

I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

You are such a penis elitist

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(347): View more from New York

Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.

(917): View more from New York City

Please tell me you're talking about his personality.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

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(616): View more from Michigan

We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(909): View more from California

Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.

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(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(310): View more from California

The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear

(310): View more from California

We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(813): View more from Florida

It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

(315): View more from New York

That's the best compliment I have ever received.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(989): View more from Michigan

This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.

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(510): View more from California

You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

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(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.

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(925): View more from California

michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives

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(201): View more from New Jersey

thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(772): View more from Florida

How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!

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(309): View more from Illinois

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Again?

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(509): View more from Washington

I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.

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(530): View more from California

Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rumble strips road head = magical

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(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.

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(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(858): View more from California

I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(315): View more from New York

Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.

(1-315): View more from New York

How small IS your cock?

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(207): View more from Maine

Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.

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(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

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(205): View more from Alabama

I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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(714): View more from California

When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

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(302): View more from Delaware

His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(989): View more from Michigan

What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.

(205): View more from Alabama

Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

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(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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(904): View more from Florida

Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(530): View more from California

I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big

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(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(503): View more from Oregon

24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That's not a bad idea, actually...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm jealous of your bromance

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(804): View more from Virginia

I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(813): View more from Florida

I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants

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(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(954): View more from Florida

Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!

(805): View more from California

God Bless America!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(925): View more from California

My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(661): View more from California

Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment

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(212): View more from New York

I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.

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(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...

(301): View more from Maryland

Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school

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(574): View more from Indiana

There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

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(647): View more from Ontario

the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(415): View more from California

so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple

(404): View more from Georgia

i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(323): View more from California

my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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(425): View more from Washington

he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.

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(409): View more from Texas

so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.

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(520): View more from Arizona

i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(818): View more from California

i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(951): View more from California

I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(937): View more from Ohio

you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(954): View more from Florida

I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."

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(858): View more from California

Fuck U Mike is a golden god.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Mike give steph back her phone.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(740): View more from Ohio

Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(616): View more from Michigan

I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

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(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

As in ill only blow him next week

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

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(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(303): View more from Colorado

she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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(801): View more from Utah

He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(914): View more from New York

im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(718): View more from New York

is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?

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(917): View more from New York City

You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(518): View more from New York

I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(303): View more from Colorado

I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick

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(905): View more from Toronto

dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends

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(816): View more from Missouri

I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.

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(813): View more from Florida

from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

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(904): View more from Florida

We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

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(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

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(631): View more from New York

So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

why was he too nerdy?

(919): View more from North Carolina

he was a tetris block for halloween

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(845): View more from New York

First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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(516): View more from New York

I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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(646): View more from New York

party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(+61): View more from Australia

She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.

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(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(925): View more from California

we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay

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(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(567): View more from Ohio

i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(818): View more from California

This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

(901): View more from Tennessee

...are you coming on to me?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(323): View more from California

Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.

(562): View more from California

The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt

(323): View more from California

fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly

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(440): View more from Ohio

pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(561): View more from Florida

At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up

(915): View more from Texas

Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(352): View more from Florida

So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field

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(845): View more from New York

I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(949): View more from California

just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking

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(574): View more from Indiana

apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(201): View more from New Jersey

normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(813): View more from Florida

were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(302): View more from Delaware

I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(705): View more from Ontario

And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".

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(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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