plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
