Texts From Last Night · squared's Favorites

Sorry anonymouse2 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

squared's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(703): View more from Virginia

Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

Fav 56 3335 1521
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking

Fav 24 4188 999
share tweet

(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

Fav 12 4803 1739
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.

Fav 14 1130 3555
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18893 1736
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

Fav 23 6596 969
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

Fav 25 3627 1243
share tweet

(301): View more from Maryland

Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.

Fav 30 4131 1099
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

Fav 42 1201 5431
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

Fav 19 1857 4243
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

Fav 20 1992 2839
share tweet

(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

Fav 68 12565 3326
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

Fav 8 1744 3526
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2771 8403
share tweet

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.

Fav 55 1218 4738
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

Fav 11 6916 2400
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

Fav 14 1669 838
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

Fav 28 6104 2030
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

Fav 35 4436 919
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

Fav 30 7510 1211
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone

Fav 31 2586 1085
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Tell him ill love him long time

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I'll assure him of it

Fav 3 1957 923
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

Fav 14 5903 2122
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

Fav 16 5036 1198
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

Fav 14 5222 1818
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.

Fav 44 3936 860
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

Fav 14 2918 1051
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

(708): View more from Illinois

such a stalker...

(248): View more from Michigan

she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

Fav 2 1795 1285
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

Fav 84 2329 7203
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

Fav 22 9984 1397
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

Fav 15 2071 4750
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

Fav 23 1944 1568
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

Fav 34 1322 5197
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

Fav 13 6519 1434
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.

Fav 9 2945 1252
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12025 1297
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?

Fav 44 4102 1027
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.

Fav 72 5582 1040
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

Fav 7 1408 3844
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

Fav 78 5624 1328
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

Fav 39 7082 1185
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

Fav 15 8060 1056
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now

Fav 15 1374 1838
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

Fav 7 4934 1426
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

Fav 28 4923 2107
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

Fav 19 5075 1404
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

Fav 29 1870 2238
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

Fav 31 12517 1766
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10368 2497
share tweet
(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

Fav 23 4118 1069
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

Fav 140 1223 6272
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

Fav 8 4146 1087
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

Fav 20 4954 1432
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12910 1902
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

Fav 14 1119 3421
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

Fav 8 7300 1293
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

Fav 12 2099 6065
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Fav 117 3546 12407
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

Fav 6 4500 1446
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.

Fav 30 4056 1106
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

Fav 34 5583 1859
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

Fav 26 10469 2107
share tweet
(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

Fav 39 1215 4822
share tweet
(805): View more from California

guess who came home with a hottie last night

(1-805): View more from California

Def drugged

Fav 3 922 1105
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

Fav 10 5781 1415
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

Fav 57 1026 3578
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

Fav 10 3137 1450
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

Fav 54 4042 1868
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

Fav 76 3095 1912
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

Fav 3 1399 4563
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

Fav 13 5957 1426
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

Fav 37 1146 4124
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

Fav 12 5667 1036
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just cropdusted the office

Fav 16 2609 944
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2464 17276
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

Fav 15 6487 2377
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15220 1744
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

Fav 45 6140 1580
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

Fav 5 2742 1519
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31333 2835
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

Fav 18 1895 6038
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

Fav 30 5187 1241
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

Fav 9 8731 1437
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

Fav 25 10040 1434
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

Fav 27 6406 1358
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.

(1-613): View more from Ontario

We are no longer friends.

Fav 28 1226 3926
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

Fav 9 5009 1522
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

Fav 78 10059 2022
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

Fav 46 7368 1210
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

Fav 19 1176 3408
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

Fav 10 7902 1650
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips

(515): View more from Iowa

there is no god

Fav 16 1034 2512
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7924 1355
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

Fav 13 6942 1913
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

Fav 21 4811 1029
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19544 2391
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20511 2511
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7242 1404
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

Fav 6 4769 1361
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

Fav 40 6817 966
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

Fav 25 5921 977
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

(913): View more from Kansas

did you yell "are you not entertained?"

Fav 21 7408 1230
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

Fav 24 2937 983
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

Fav 7 4252 1334
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

Fav 17 8078 1417
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

Fav 115 6875 1130
share tweet
(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

Fav 21 7720 2075
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

Fav 19 959 5874
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): View more from New York

wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): View more from New York

aww shit wrong text.

Fav 8 1882 1124
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3556 5274
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

Fav 13 1444 5124
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face

Fav 17 953 3060
share tweet
(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

Fav 41 2051 3606
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

Fav 56 10561 1797
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

Fav 44 1840 28972
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

Fav 18 5839 1084
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8269 1528
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

Fav 32 9471 1216
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

Fav 16 7189 1398
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35069 2922
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

Fav 5 4201 1225
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

Fav 15 6621 2288
share tweet
(909): View more from California

grandma shit on top of the toilet

Fav 17 1331 6281
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

Fav 20 5611 917
share tweet
(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

Fav 10 6441 1457
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

Fav 44 5441 1355
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

Fav 86 1927 24103
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

Fav 61 7406 1620
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

(1-574): View more from Indiana

class

(574): View more from Indiana

he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

Fav 46 5259 1286
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

Fav 14 1133 2110
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

Fav 25 8554 1170
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

Fav 39 4327 1464
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14089 1680
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

Fav 7 1953 1016
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

Fav 23 6555 1036
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Fav 24 9770 1934
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

Fav 12 2652 4562
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

Fav 8 4281 915
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

Fav 36 10317 1718
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8194 1395
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8660 3028
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

Fav 131 21207 2963
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

Fav 19 6932 1625
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

Fav 57 5036 1662
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3434
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.

Fav 24 1888 4400
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9417 1285
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19333 1856
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

Fav 214 12699 3825
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

Fav 16 5205 1790
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

Fav 32 7866 1630
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

Fav 15 5789 1389
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6712 1850
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.

Fav 31 1330 2232
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1641
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

Fav 59 8623 1313
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 52 11866 1485
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11142 3720
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

Fav 13 1016 5921
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

Fav 39 1418 16178
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

Fav 7 2911 1042
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Christians are straight up FREAKS

Fav 53 4134 2371
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

Fav 18 1682 9229
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 28 5524 2626
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

Fav 15 1396 4663
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

Fav 36 6473 1586
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

Fav 103 8759 1181
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

(415): View more from California

i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

Fav 8 2674 927
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.

Fav 15 4262 1304
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why does Jon Cryer have a career?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

That is a good question.

Fav 14 1570 990
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

Fav 14 3817 1048
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

Fav 59 10619 1310
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.

Fav 14 1171 4032
share tweet
(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

Fav 13 4755 1371
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex

Fav 58 6485 1181
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

Fav 36 8723 1358
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend

Fav 62 3170 1486
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

Fav 36 7355 1060
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3930
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

Fav 103 2371 3362
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

Fav 34 5647 2510
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.

Fav 23 1209 1823
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

Fav 187 9689 7705
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14035 1760
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

Fav 36 5811 982
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8398 1571
share tweet
(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

Fav 22 3859 1185
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

Fav 8 5216 1415
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

Fav 31 1424 5214
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

Fav 25 7630 1816
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21689 2542
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

Fav 20 1285 8033
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

Fav 17 4967 918
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g

Fav 77 3621 961
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.

Fav 27 2893 712
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"

Fav 10 987 3832
share tweet
(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

Fav 22 6694 1497
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.

Fav 20 4042 1506
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

Fav 24 6330 1606
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9352 3734
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10879 1423
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

Fav 40 9348 1144
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

Fav 33 9768 1666
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

Fav 21 9253 1484
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We got so high we made milksteak

Fav 45 4613 1479
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

Fav 41 5318 1808
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?

Fav 7 2663 851
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

Fav 34 854 4151
share tweet
(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

Fav 21 5802 1271
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

Fav 34 1546 5395
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11668 1816
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

Fav 42 1308 12703
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12019 1277
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?

Fav 23 2619 1430
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...

Fav 45 6666 1482
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6367 1555
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I hate all girls vehemently.

Fav 2 1159 1324
share tweet
(408): View more from California

My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable

(818): View more from California

Freshman in high school? Just your type

Fav 2 2095 922
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1594 19818
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.

Fav 86 4996 1301
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

Fav 33 6190 2014
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

Fav 43 1002 4564
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

Fav 155 8473 2922
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10296 1539
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

Fav 26 7919 1645
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8704 1647
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

Fav 310 11766 6072
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

Fav 17 4367 2325
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10050 1752
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

Fav 29 1471 3395
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

Fav 19 4788 1537
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

Fav 36 1538 8857
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.

Fav 17 3492 972
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

Fav 17 5277 1869
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

Fav 15 1604 3549
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"

Fav 36 4061 1176
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

Fav 24 7688 1320
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

Fav 52 1723 6565
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

Fav 20 6382 1196
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

Fav 37 4193 1200
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Fav 141 20467 2853
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

Fav 56 2063 3728
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

Fav 20 8044 2224
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8162 1724
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

Fav 21 8664 1196
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

Fav 16 2971 1198
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

Fav 25 12703 1830
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

Fav 11 1418 1530
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.

Fav 9 905 3008
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59123 5680
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while

(202): View more from Washington, DC

woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face

Fav 11 1138 3604
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

Fav 19 1510 4575
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

Fav 11 1197 4531
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6903 7367
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

Fav 32 5781 1100
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.

Fav 50 1127 3765
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

are you wasted or are you getting laid?

(515): View more from Iowa

ebdebdebdebd

(641): View more from Iowa

wow

Fav 23 5826 956
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

Fav 8 4967 1332
share tweet