when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
