Texts From Last Night · kayayeff's Favorites

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kayayeff's Favorites Texts:

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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(516): View more from New York

He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(786): View more from Florida

I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(575): View more from New Mexico

i permit you to call me

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(586): View more from Michigan

A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(818): View more from California

thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

(661): View more from California

should have blown me.

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(516): View more from New York

I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(407): View more from Florida

He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I need help removing her.

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?

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(734): View more from Michigan

wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(805): View more from California

Soap is not a condiment

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(801): View more from Utah

My underwear smells like fireworks.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

(586): View more from Michigan

Cause it just destroys penises

(586): View more from Michigan

Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(408): View more from California

You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(646): View more from New York

But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(410): View more from Maryland

the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game

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(904): View more from Florida

Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm saving my butt for my wedding night

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(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(618): View more from Illinois

In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(219): View more from Indiana

community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.

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(705): View more from Ontario

he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(585): View more from New York

Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick

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(206): View more from Washington

You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her

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(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(916): View more from California

does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.

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(206): View more from Washington

I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.

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(714): View more from California

It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

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(301): View more from Maryland

The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up

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(703): View more from Virginia

I can feel you judging me through the phone.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

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(301): View more from Maryland

if there is a rhyme for it it must be true

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(206): View more from Washington

Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(563): View more from Iowa

How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?

(1-563): View more from Iowa

The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(334): View more from Alabama

after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'

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(434): View more from Virginia

question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(310): View more from California

I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(425): View more from Washington

He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(425): View more from Washington

OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?

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(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(805): View more from California

When do i get to see u next week?

(1-805): View more from California

When I teabag your entire family

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(416): View more from Ontario

If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(734): View more from Michigan

Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(303): View more from Colorado

he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.

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(607): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie

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(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

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(317): View more from Indiana

How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(916): View more from California

Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"

(1-916): View more from California

High five!

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(404): View more from Georgia

we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it

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(954): View more from Florida

Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

People in love make me want to vomit

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(203): View more from Connecticut

But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(705): View more from Ontario

"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .

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(727): View more from Florida

And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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(806): View more from Texas

a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work

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(703): View more from Virginia

She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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(404): View more from Georgia

its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(815): View more from Illinois

the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?

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(+44): View more from England

What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(559): View more from California

I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

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(847): View more from Illinois

Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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(353): View more from

When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(415): View more from California

Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I have one thing to say: spongebath.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You're my little dorito

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.

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(626): View more from California

that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

(708): View more from Illinois

such a stalker...

(248): View more from Michigan

she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(206): View more from Washington

Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(404): View more from Georgia

last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

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(586): View more from Michigan

I wish my penis had an off switch

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

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(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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(650): View more from California

So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?

(303): View more from Colorado

No its what 21 year olds are made for

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(302): View more from Delaware

it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(630): View more from Illinois

i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(248): View more from Michigan

i can't wait to go to hell

(1-248): View more from Michigan

yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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(831): View more from California

You should get sea herpes

(831): View more from California

I mean sea horses

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(740): View more from Ohio

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex

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(310): View more from California

you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't special order awesome

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(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

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(260): View more from Indiana

3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I've never been more proud of you

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(407): View more from Florida

just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

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(805): View more from California

peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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(330): View more from Ohio

well you can't waste a boner

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(646): View more from New York

We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday

(1-646): View more from New York

mom would be proud

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(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.

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(310): View more from California

i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????

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(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(905): View more from Toronto

dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends

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(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(516): View more from New York

Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(914): View more from New York

at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(719): View more from Colorado

wanna go halves on a baby?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Small penises have feelings too.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(239): View more from Florida

My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

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(704): View more from North Carolina

oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(931): View more from Tennessee

dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(+07): View more from

tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(678): View more from Georgia

I stuck it in and pulled it out

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Did she like it?

(678): View more from Georgia

She giggled?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

She liked it

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(512): View more from Texas

just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(806): View more from Texas

You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(956): View more from Texas

If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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