Texts From Last Night · bode2010's Favorites

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bode2010's Favorites Texts:

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.

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(360): View more from Washington

And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

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(513): View more from Ohio

ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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(847): View more from Illinois

my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

No. You're kidding.

(919): View more from North Carolina

I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(904): View more from Florida

to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(907): View more from Alaska

HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(512): View more from Texas

this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on

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(303): View more from Colorado

you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(818): View more from California

Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(831): View more from California

she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(281): View more from Texas

FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(716): View more from New York

sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(804): View more from Virginia

why weren't you at the audition last night?

(1-804): View more from Virginia

booty call before role call

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(432): View more from Texas

His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.

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(858): View more from California

Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(714): View more from California

we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(917): View more from New York City

Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(954): View more from Florida

My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(323): View more from California

Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.

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(360): View more from Washington

Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just got walked in on during safety inspections

(828): View more from North Carolina

Think you passed?

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(713): View more from Texas

We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?

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(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(831): View more from California

It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(224): View more from Illinois

i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.

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(805): View more from California

Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(713): View more from Texas

this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy

(1-713): View more from Texas

well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here

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(269): View more from Michigan

I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?

(609): View more from New Jersey

dont start drinking without me

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Why?

(480): View more from Arizona

'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward

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(607): View more from New York

The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(304): View more from West Virginia

tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(281): View more from Texas

I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(618): View more from Illinois

lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...

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(416): View more from Ontario

No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.

(919): View more from North Carolina

my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Mommy issues

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(916): View more from California

Hey you

(732): View more from New Jersey

You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

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(661): View more from California

Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?

(1-407): View more from Florida

I hate you

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(281): View more from Texas

Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him

(1-281): View more from Texas

college has opened so many doors for you

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(813): View more from Florida

Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad

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(303): View more from Colorado

God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

(720): View more from Colorado

And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(757): View more from Virginia

my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...

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(301): View more from Maryland

You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

(240): View more from Maryland

Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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(630): View more from Illinois

I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

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(352): View more from Florida

there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(613): View more from Ontario

do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

not a thing

(613): View more from Ontario

walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent

(770): View more from Georgia

don't you ever do that...

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

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(613): View more from Ontario

Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?

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(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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(205): View more from Alabama

During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop

(551): View more from New Jersey

I really wish I could say this is a new low for you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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(216): View more from Ohio

normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does

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(256): View more from Alabama

he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(661): View more from California

Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.

(1-661): View more from California

Lol thats a classic

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.

(713): View more from Texas

what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(940): View more from Texas

good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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(408): View more from California

Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(310): View more from California

Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on

(1-310): View more from California

I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his

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(819): View more from Quebec

Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?

(604): View more from British Columbia

Each and every day.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

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(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(623): View more from Arizona

I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.

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(909): View more from California

Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.

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(802): View more from Vermont

the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(509): View more from Washington

I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card

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(417): View more from Missouri

So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.

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(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(281): View more from Texas

Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(207): View more from Maine

they said they heard you say put it in my butt

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how

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(219): View more from Indiana

talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(209): View more from California

I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON

(651): View more from Minnesota

clearly you have your priorities straight

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

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(224): View more from Illinois

finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag

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(770): View more from Georgia

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(626): View more from California

Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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