Texts From Last Night · waltgrove's Favorites

Sorry Mclovin_69 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

waltgrove's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

Fav 7 2506 1028
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

Fav 8 2830 860
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

Fav 10 2416 937
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

Fav 22 2062 2590
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

Fav 17 4745 1055
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

Fav 8 2055 1341
share tweet

(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

Fav 11 5394 1181
share tweet

(573): View more from Missouri

If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing

Fav 10 2692 1184
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

Fav 2 3811 1336
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

Fav 4 2635 1139
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

Fav 7 4158 1180
share tweet

(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

Fav 7 2426 1337
share tweet

(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

Fav 6 1254 3453
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity

Fav 6 2174 1155
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

Fav 4 1043 2204
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

Fav 26 1914 3345
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

Fav 11 4961 1940
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...

Fav 5 3269 1561
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1563
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

Fav 18 4779 2543
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.

Fav 13 4448 1122
share tweet
(619): View more from California

His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed

Fav 11 1613 2616
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

Fav 14 1502 4014
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

Fav 7 3631 1453
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6509 1703
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

Fav 3 4223 1249
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

Fav 3 2288 1146
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

Fav 9 4514 1419
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

Fav 13 3299 1202
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

Fav 12 3138 1917
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever

Fav 9 3708 1731
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9977 3499
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Fav 33 2697 6896
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11789 1403
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

Fav 14 5626 1527
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6611 1403
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

Fav 8 3065 2037
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

Fav 15 5741 1908
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6054 1698
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

Fav 10 8136 1492
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

Fav 5 3698 1155
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10147 1542
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

Fav 20 2201 4628
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

Fav 6 3328 1942
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6915 1409
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

Fav 14 6421 1432
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

Fav 13 5220 1221
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

Fav 7 4037 1338
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

Fav 25 3444 7135
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

Fav 12 6700 1236
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

Fav 15 7711 1388
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

Fav 4 2312 3406
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

Fav 10 6715 1825
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22260 1884
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25979 2505
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

Fav 12 1632 4684
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

Fav 15 7895 1350
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

Fav 9 1930 4853
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

Fav 24 1528 4632
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

Fav 23 3265 2057
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old

Fav 10 3123 1700
share tweet
(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

Fav 18 4951 2642
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11148 2458
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.

Fav 11 1072 4206
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

Fav 27 3723 5582
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

Fav 6 1620 3768
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14089 1680
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

Fav 8 1363 5033
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15050 1720
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

Fav 19 5524 1325
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

Fav 15 8132 1623
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

Fav 14 2202 4321
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

Fav 22 6686 1365
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

Fav 6 5046 1414
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

Fav 29 2423 4698
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15081 1931
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15734 1828
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

Fav 34 2144 10332
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

Fav 28 10162 1427
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

Fav 37 1565 4679
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

Fav 28 1217 4657
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit

Fav 17 986 6002
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

Fav 27 1120 3116
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

Fav 7 2911 1042
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

Fav 16 2279 4137
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

Fav 32 2384 5084
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

Fav 6 3992 1169
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

Fav 8 5419 2257
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

Fav 18 5344 1729
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

Fav 18 1699 4476
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

Fav 14 1400 6127
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

Fav 16 5302 1940
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

Fav 12 4081 1521
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

Fav 11 8660 1402
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

Fav 7 5024 1553
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

Fav 83 11868 2384
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8060 1429
share tweet
(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

Fav 74 5391 1699
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

Fav 18 6531 1960
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5641 1760
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8184 1578
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

Fav 20 6307 3384
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23542 2200
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

Fav 10 7462 1682
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

Fav 25 7656 1491
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

Fav 10 3812 1624
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

Fav 15 5269 1771
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4805 10324
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

Fav 12 10664 1699
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1526
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

Fav 30 5358 4253
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

Fav 38 4159 1952
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

Fav 22 2076 7629
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

Fav 13 6885 1973
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

Fav 8 4095 1817
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

Fav 19 6275 1628
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9264
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2402
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question

Fav 10 3014 1457
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13587 1853
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48825 2423
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

Fav 34 2410 8686
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

Fav 52 2161 8597
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

Fav 24 8765 1783
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way

Fav 17 1506 4045
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3107
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11139 2014
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

Fav 11 6654 1380
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

Fav 90 7485 2054
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

Fav 10 5310 1946
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

Fav 16 1477 6026
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.

Fav 7 3491 1966
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.

Fav 23 4669 1131
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10091 2437
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

Fav 12 6290 2017
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

Fav 30 5686 1777
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

Fav 12 4304 1798
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

Fav 30 9849 1348
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Fav 27 14206 2606
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

Fav 53 2433 14343
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

Fav 15 2014 4496
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

Fav 22 1300 12091
share tweet
(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

Fav 37 1491 7817
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

Fav 10 8370 1631
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

Fav 58 2047 15107
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

Fav 6 5345 1423
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6226 1376
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9195 1751
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17096 1836
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

Fav 30 14199 1647
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2182 10532
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

Fav 14 1402 4914
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

Fav 17 4972 1381
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6909 1514
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

Fav 32 5116 1322
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2058
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing

Fav 8 1161 4505
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

Fav 21 2233 5313
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2111 5675
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

Fav 75 2586 4431
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.

Fav 17 3496 914
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.

Fav 45 1687 4317
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

Fav 20 8525 2438
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

Fav 13 5733 1259
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

Fav 22 6730 1545
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

Fav 25 5691 1801
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

Fav 31 8273 1596
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

Fav 15 7333 1435
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9229 1761
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

Fav 22 3727 3693
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12890 1846
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

Fav 89 1766 20096
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7278 2894
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10953 1545
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

Fav 50 9465 1648
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

Fav 21 1337 8887
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

Fav 29 4732 3817
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6755 1632
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

Fav 23 6013 3699
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13052 1899
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Fav 25 1441 8303
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

Fav 18 1232 5611
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1770 15030
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40100 2219
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

Fav 15 5483 1515
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

Fav 12 1315 5674
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1748 9255
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

Fav 37 11181 1821
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked

Fav 3 1430 3138
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

Fav 42 6937 1043
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

Fav 90 1431 5177
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11548 1663
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57263 7326
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45282 2189
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67671 4396
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67233 3288
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

Fav 32 4743 1743
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!

Fav 56 5012 814
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

Fav 33 1736 6664
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"

Fav 17 4518 1267
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card

Fav 44 1351 5143
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

Fav 32 13700 1292
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.

Fav 24 3100 921
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10309 1445
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

Fav 32 6671 1998
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

Fav 31 5653 2556
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

Fav 13 7259 2037
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6987 2588
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26961 5270
share tweet
(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

Fav 16 1943 3974
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill

Fav 3 915 2432
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm

Fav 8 4114 1418
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org

Fav 31 1200 3555
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.

Fav 12 856 4185
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3624 1069
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 2000
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

Fav 15 5638 2248
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28048 1881
share tweet