Texts From Last Night · jane0876's Favorites

jane0876's Favorites Texts:

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

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(310): View more from California

you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(512): View more from Texas

clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(503): View more from Oregon

Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(863): View more from Florida

If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.

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(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(217): View more from Illinois

we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.

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(408): View more from California

Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

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(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(802): View more from Vermont

is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(281): View more from Texas

I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i wish peter jackson would direct porn

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(818): View more from California

You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(612): View more from Minnesota

When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?

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(806): View more from Texas

Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(812): View more from Indiana

There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"

(219): View more from Indiana

I have so much to learn from you, wise slut

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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(415): View more from California

mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

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(561): View more from Florida

As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(707): View more from California

I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(703): View more from Virginia

capris are just wrong

(703): View more from Virginia

its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i was rollin on her like bob the builder

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(563): View more from Iowa

when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(530): View more from California

I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS

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(323): View more from California

Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(440): View more from Ohio

tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(208): View more from Idaho

the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

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(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(714): View more from California

Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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(313): View more from Michigan

marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(517): View more from Michigan

I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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(949): View more from California

this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(716): View more from New York

i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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