Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
