Texts From Last Night · bpaige's Favorites

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bpaige's Favorites Texts:

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(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.

(312): View more from Illinois

Denial, avoidance and beer.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(607): View more from New York

I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos

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(760): View more from California

You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(254): View more from Texas

He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

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(210): View more from Texas

he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(850): View more from Florida

It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.

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(831): View more from California

I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(443): View more from Maryland

I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

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(970): View more from Colorado

Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(760): View more from California

I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.

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(360): View more from Washington

High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.

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(330): View more from Ohio

im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

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(404): View more from Georgia

This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(916): View more from California

this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse

(1-916): View more from California

People like that make this world a better place.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

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(406): View more from Montana

I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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(718): View more from New York

Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(574): View more from Indiana

I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

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(607): View more from New York

Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having

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(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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(435): View more from Utah

honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those

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(914): View more from New York

We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(619): View more from California

Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(626): View more from California

The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade

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(310): View more from California

how was it?

(1-310): View more from California

he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

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(847): View more from Illinois

another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(716): View more from New York

i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(818): View more from California

he made a bald eagle out of coke lines

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(707): View more from California

Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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(281): View more from Texas

I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.

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(941): View more from Florida

I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(707): View more from California

It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.

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(435): View more from Utah

I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(850): View more from Florida

There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore

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(773): View more from Illinois

I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.

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(347): View more from New York

I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(225): View more from Louisiana

were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(315): View more from New York

I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(619): View more from California

I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(971): View more from Oregon

he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out

(916): View more from California

you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah, that sounds like my life.

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(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

(678): View more from Georgia

bad news

(205): View more from Alabama

The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".

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(719): View more from Colorado

If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?

(727): View more from Florida

Only if you say it like that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(330): View more from Ohio

She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.

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(801): View more from Utah

It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(806): View more from Texas

Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(512): View more from Texas

At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

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(325): View more from Texas

I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room

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(343): View more from Ontario

No awkward lesbian experiences without me

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(214): View more from Texas

There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(512): View more from Texas

Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(440): View more from Ohio

FIrst one done

(609): View more from New Jersey

How did it go?

(440): View more from Ohio

I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am

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(815): View more from Illinois

His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(903): View more from Texas

Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(785): View more from Kansas

for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

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(905): View more from Ontario

Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(714): View more from California

if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ur plase or mine? lol

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?

(636): View more from Missouri

you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

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(805): View more from California

just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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(916): View more from California

How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom

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(240): View more from Maryland

I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(310): View more from California

I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(561): View more from Florida

Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(714): View more from California

Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"

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(330): View more from Ohio

literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

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(209): View more from California

I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(361): View more from Texas

I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.

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(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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(305): View more from Florida

My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

don't read that magazine bro. I came in it

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(607): View more from New York

Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner

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(812): View more from Indiana

Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.

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(914): View more from New York

woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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