Texts From Last Night · Blondie48199's Favorites

Sorry maydaycaptain hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Blondie48199's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

Fav 7 3712 1066
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

Fav 4 1858 1765
share tweet

(727): View more from Florida

This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.

Fav 3 1621 1057
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

Fav 14 4783 1286
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

Fav 7 2885 1265
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

Fav 17 3129 1123
share tweet

(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

Fav 9 4655 1099
share tweet

(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

Fav 9 2608 1257
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

Fav 12 2898 1685
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

Fav 11 2829 1339
share tweet
(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

Fav 22 3800 1346
share tweet

(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

Fav 6 3120 1136
share tweet

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

Fav 22 4530 1665
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

Fav 7 3631 1110
share tweet

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

Fav 9 4698 1182
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

Fav 9 3710 2107
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

Fav 12 3260 3048
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7439 1262
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

Fav 13 1165 4122
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

Fav 20 6067 1333
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

Fav 21 8699 1265
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.

Fav 7 2867 1520
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

Fav 7 1814 3732
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

Fav 11 5785 1691
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

Fav 7 5571 1135
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week

Fav 4 2828 1051
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

Fav 19 3797 1275
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name

Fav 3 3342 1019
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

Fav 21 1686 5085
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?

Fav 2 2656 942
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7530 1246
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

Fav 8 3613 1341
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

Fav 5 4077 1443
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.

Fav 10 1187 3196
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

Fav 29 1990 4234
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

Fav 15 5064 1132
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

Fav 7 1548 5047
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

Fav 8 3945 1323
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

Fav 25 2984 4939
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.

Fav 5 3002 1435
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

Fav 9 3257 1291
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

Fav 10 5270 1392
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

Fav 4 2830 1001
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

Fav 14 7431 2123
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

Fav 26 8371 2453
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

Fav 21 8526 1265
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

Fav 16 5954 1355
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

Fav 3 3821 1158
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

Fav 7 3124 1268
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

Fav 14 10070 2798
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

Fav 10 5602 1204
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

Fav 14 5665 2039
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex

Fav 15 3633 1375
share tweet
(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

Fav 22 2089 6398
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

Fav 12 4240 1340
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.

Fav 5 4255 1248
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

Fav 30 12293 1659
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.

Fav 11 3149 1624
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.

Fav 0 2136 1203
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead

Fav 14 1000 2915
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

Fav 4 4460 1192
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

Fav 7 3620 1152
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

Fav 9 7030 1512
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

Fav 12 4108 1360
share tweet
(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

Fav 89 2412 13832
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

Fav 6 4496 1323
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

Fav 38 8086 1337
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

Fav 10 4265 2017
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18542 1573
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

Fav 23 6322 1613
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

Fav 9 4212 1392
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"

Fav 31 1200 5871
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.

Fav 3 1342 2842
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Either way, he made a blog for his cat.

Fav 4 1547 3742
share tweet
(310): View more from California

what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?

Fav 7 1124 2723
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up

Fav 5 3846 1220
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.

Fav 12 4444 1202
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.

Fav 14 1198 4955
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

Fav 13 3936 2168
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1539
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

Fav 40 14774 2009
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

Fav 46 13673 1361
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Fav 42 14773 1284
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14642 1377
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

Fav 131 15187 1770
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15368 1484
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

Fav 79 16395 3382
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Fav 37 16403 1544
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

Fav 58 14936 1689
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15097 2081
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15409 1889
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15721 2862
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

Fav 40 15326 1295
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16368 2073
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

Fav 41 15650 1622
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

Fav 86 15096 2905
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

Fav 76 16158 1633
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16530 1701
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16949 1860
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

Fav 46 16789 1737
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

Fav 49 18405 2230
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

Fav 54 19288 1239
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18758 1370
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19439 1817
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19435 1707
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1641
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1557
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

Fav 44 22025 1549
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22260 1884
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

Fav 76 22872 3320
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

Fav 71 21377 1398
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21759 1487
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

Fav 114 25315 1361
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31651 2128
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

Fav 16 7079 1713
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

Fav 12 8857 1351
share tweet
(949): View more from California

the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.

Fav 11 1243 2850
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists

Fav 25 6027 1264
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

Fav 5 1302 6466
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

Fav 10 1893 5513
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.

Fav 7 3506 1094
share tweet
(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

Fav 16 5444 1554
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

Fav 21 9311 1533
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.

Fav 6 4744 959
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

Fav 32 4866 2896
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

Fav 7 5871 1327
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

Fav 18 10364 2568
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

it's like russian roulette but with a penis

Fav 12 2802 1384
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

Fav 6 4743 1151
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13085 2011
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

Fav 12 4842 1280
share tweet
(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

Fav 10 6116 1679
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

Fav 18 5780 1258
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10258 2619
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

Fav 19 1847 5295
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

Fav 5 3227 1369
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard

Fav 7 1077 2948
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

Fav 13 3500 1357
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

Fav 35 1943 9070
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...

Fav 13 1435 2697
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

Fav 30 8490 1406
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

Fav 9 3325 1313
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6606 2304
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job

Fav 8 1066 3999
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

Fav 24 5023 1407
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

Fav 5 4999 1259
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

Fav 12 9533 1523
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

Fav 13 1739 5543
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

Fav 14 4630 2258
share tweet
(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

Fav 12 6039 1277
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

Fav 7 4663 1380
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.

Fav 12 1372 2775
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1738
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2388
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54013 2794
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61944 8176
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2876
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5242
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146109 10758
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

Fav 20 4629 1392
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

Fav 8 5734 1137
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

Fav 24 7154 1395
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

Fav 17 6120 1649
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

Fav 17 7499 1344
share tweet
(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

Fav 12 7657 1345
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

Fav 12 8567 1365
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

Fav 17 9790 1962
share tweet
(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

Fav 18 4951 2642
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

Fav 10 1318 3728
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

Fav 8 1275 5322
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Fav 58 17158 4137
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

Fav 7 3551 1455
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

Fav 6 4510 1489
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

Fav 13 1918 4749
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.

Fav 2 2448 1156
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

Fav 16 1482 3906
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

Fav 3 4783 1074
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3385 4606
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7169 1606
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1223
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

Fav 6 2966 1069
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

Fav 15 5949 2027
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

Fav 12 2652 4562
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

Fav 17 4449 1225
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?

Fav 19 4366 1326
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

Fav 17 1965 6116
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

Fav 9 1691 3805
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

Fav 7 3683 1605
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

Fav 17 5597 2285
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

Fav 19 4356 1413
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

Fav 9 1547 6707
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

Fav 9 1976 5125
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

Fav 10 6229 1479
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

Fav 15 6497 1900
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

Fav 31 1929 6790
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

Fav 24 7976 1608
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

Fav 30 2868 4372
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

Fav 20 1515 6472
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

Fav 15 5995 1460
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

Fav 21 2234 5021
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

Fav 11 4729 1968
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

Fav 19 6265 1335
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

Fav 26 5835 1878
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

Fav 38 1402 3882
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

Fav 16 6773 1326
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13250 2053
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

Fav 39 9003 1806
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

Fav 24 7441 1898
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7298 1536
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9264
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2021 7674
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

Fav 25 6425 1631
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

Fav 6 5912 1227
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

Fav 17 4882 1580
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

Fav 23 1402 6596
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

Fav 16 1903 5914
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2742 5170
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

Fav 29 6427 1548
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

Fav 81 7217 1685
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

Fav 15 4700 1510
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

Fav 17 5387 2295
share tweet
(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

Fav 7 3800 1418
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15474 2164
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

Fav 29 2234 6494
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8750 5543
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

Fav 39 4015 1814
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

Fav 25 6378 2192
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.

Fav 14 3238 2077
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

Fav 12 7677 1352
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1506
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

Fav 11 1524 5370
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

Fav 19 1713 3839
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7708 1579
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

Fav 19 2293 3067
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10255 1637
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

Fav 15 4512 2719
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

Fav 11 4093 1739
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

Fav 15 5502 1349
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

Fav 8 4499 1246
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

Fav 36 7955 1858
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Fav 22 8698 1392
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

Fav 23 1947 8089
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

Fav 17 5498 1459
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

Fav 23 5902 2094
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

Fav 21 3797 1408
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

Fav 20 5792 1586
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

Fav 20 6217 1895
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

Fav 25 6799 1262
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8808 1897
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

Fav 45 2494 7213
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

Fav 23 1192 5639
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

Fav 82 9788 1605
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

Fav 17 5060 1440
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

Fav 19 8761 1468
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

Fav 19 7982 1384
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

Fav 31 1358 5963
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.

Fav 11 3885 1430
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.

Fav 18 5672 1575
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

Fav 14 5189 1226
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

Fav 12 5883 1563
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

Fav 20 6286 1190
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

Fav 34 6570 2576
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

Fav 43 12346 1750
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

Fav 18 5407 1270
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

Fav 16 6620 1433
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

Fav 18 6265 1471
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

Fav 35 9950 1590
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

Fav 31 6736 1353
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

Fav 37 9342 1501
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

Fav 15 4726 1693
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

Fav 32 6244 3971
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

Fav 9 1918 4825
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

Fav 26 5410 2333
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

Fav 26 6384 1367
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic

Fav 5 3365 1237
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

Fav 16 5998 1392
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

Fav 13 5799 1553
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

Fav 24 6330 1606
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

Fav 12 2837 6333
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Fav 26 12669 2381
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Fav 20 8435 2013
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates

Fav 28 4944 1422
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see

Fav 12 1326 3552
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

Fav 29 2921 5214
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

Fav 12 4221 1319
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

Fav 25 7898 1435
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

Fav 21 10047 1349
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

Fav 16 1615 3895
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

Fav 15 6298 1798
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

Fav 32 11893 1462
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

Fav 16 1675 4722
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

Fav 15 1466 5965
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

Fav 10 6373 2068
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

Fav 11 4434 1310
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

Fav 9 5409 1240
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

Fav 44 10808 2209
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

Fav 17 2552 3705
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.

Fav 28 5675 1945
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

Fav 12 7481 1405
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

Fav 28 2709 5124
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

Fav 23 2294 5740
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.

Fav 14 5289 1389
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

Fav 36 6961 1881
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

Fav 11 7754 1739
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2147 5763
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

Fav 39 2145 7435
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

Fav 28 2068 8115
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

Fav 29 4519 1376
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way

Fav 17 1506 4045
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

Fav 10 5310 1946
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

Fav 22 7710 1695
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

Fav 19 9225 1346
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.

Fav 41 1303 6569
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

Fav 54 2110 6219
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6584 1907
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Fav 27 14206 2606
share tweet
(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

Fav 22 6943 3525
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6456 1344
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

Fav 9 6432 1291
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3973 12930
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the only muscles i have these days is kegels

Fav 13 4312 1333
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

Fav 23 8007 1465
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

Fav 15 7551 1473
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

Fav 26 7624 1493
share tweet
(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

Fav 28 5495 1771
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

Fav 17 4951 1210
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20511 2511
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

Fav 19 6212 1247
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

Fav 6 7153 1500
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

Fav 17 9046 1375
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

Fav 15 3788 2250
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

Fav 22 1192 3544
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

(214): View more from Texas

i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

(214): View more from Texas

he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

Fav 26 1323 5399
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

Fav 21 1350 4044
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward

Fav 21 1201 3722
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...

Fav 8 1347 3244
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

Fav 43 2012 5912
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

Fav 21 1913 4477
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

Fav 46 2069 5527
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me

Fav 20 1976 4934
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf

Fav 31 2906 767
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...

Fav 33 5565 2024
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

Fav 27 6519 1570
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker

Fav 22 1426 3710
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?

Fav 238 5271 1512
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Fav 39 14865 1539
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night

Fav 8 1445 6933
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee

Fav 8 5277 1087
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

Fav 9 4966 1540
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

Fav 39 10689 2004
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.

Fav 6 4070 1113
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

Fav 14 6011 1283
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

Fav 20 6956 1412
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

Fav 16 4726 1175
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

Fav 40 7382 2193
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.

Fav 33 1696 6284
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.

Fav 12 1381 6282
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.

Fav 24 1324 6454
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

Fav 43 1631 6623
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.

Fav 28 960 6456
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

Fav 32 2458 6862
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

Fav 30 3133 6809
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

Fav 46 1546 7111
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6903 7367
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

Fav 31 1573 6966
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

Fav 30 1267 7182
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

Fav 45 1712 7244
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?

Fav 37 1008 6956
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating

Fav 30 1366 7329
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

Fav 32 2825 7566
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.

Fav 40 1543 7430
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

Fav 45 1860 7490
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

Fav 32 1293 7312
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

Fav 10 1409 7355
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7590
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK

Fav 65 1181 9163
share tweet