Texts From Last Night · wettkisses's Favorites

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(716): View more from New York

I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!

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(678): View more from Georgia

just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets

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(860): View more from Connecticut

THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

All. The answer is always all

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(619): View more from California

yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?

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(516): View more from New York

Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Agreed.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship

(1-503): View more from Oregon

A tequila worm?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(563): View more from Iowa

He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(334): View more from Alabama

Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts

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(+61): View more from Australia

If tits could talk, mine would be bragging

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(254): View more from Texas

I have the starring role in a literal shit show.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(303): View more from Colorado

These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards

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(425): View more from Washington

Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me

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(714): View more from California

Not my type, but the penis looks fun.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(949): View more from California

Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart

(416): View more from Toronto

That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.

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(916): View more from California

So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants

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(517): View more from Michigan

When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

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(812): View more from Indiana

And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(310): View more from California

My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.

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(310): View more from California

oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.

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(281): View more from Texas

Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.

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(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.

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(407): View more from Florida

You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So how was the sex with me last night?

(703): View more from Virginia

No worse than usual.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Happy you have kids and I don't day!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(716): View more from New York

I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!

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(360): View more from Washington

I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(276): View more from Virginia

I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant

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(716): View more from New York

Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators

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(734): View more from Michigan

My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.

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(315): View more from New York

Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry

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(561): View more from Florida

Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina

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(408): View more from California

i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(646): View more from New York

I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material

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(613): View more from Ontario

Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed

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(415): View more from California

I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(207): View more from Maine

you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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(801): View more from Utah

I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched

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(419): View more from Ohio

Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now

(561): View more from Florida

I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(928): View more from Arizona

You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions

(1-928): View more from Arizona

Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.

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(416): View more from Toronto

feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've created a new STD.

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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities

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(901): View more from Tennessee

First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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(630): View more from Illinois

How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.

(256): View more from Alabama

They have marijuana tests too!

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(313): View more from Michigan

From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.

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(386): View more from Florida

In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

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(760): View more from California

My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town

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(360): View more from Washington

A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(415): View more from California

Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(313): View more from Michigan

She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......

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(613): View more from Ontario

There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone

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(971): View more from Oregon

Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.

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(406): View more from Montana

You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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(229): View more from Georgia

Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.

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(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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(513): View more from Ohio

Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY

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(989): View more from Michigan

tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition

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(804): View more from Virginia

i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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(810): View more from Michigan

So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.

(810): View more from Michigan

They're like sad pomegranates.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

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(289): View more from Ontario

God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

(519): View more from Ontario

Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

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(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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(+81): View more from

I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat

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(305): View more from Florida

We have so much sex to catch up on

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(914): View more from New York

Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.

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(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(302): View more from Delaware

Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."

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(805): View more from California

Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(260): View more from Indiana

Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.

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(212): View more from New York

We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

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(209): View more from California

He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!

(818): View more from California

Were you keeping a list?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.

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(217): View more from Illinois

getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

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(574): View more from Indiana

He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

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(850): View more from Florida

Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?

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(415): View more from California

Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(408): View more from California

You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt

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(480): View more from Arizona

I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.

(312): View more from Illinois

Denial, avoidance and beer.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we use protection last night?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.

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(312): View more from Illinois

2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling

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(873): View more from

I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it

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(208): View more from Idaho

Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha

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(650): View more from California

I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(979): View more from Texas

my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"

(763): View more from Minnesota

and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.

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(330): View more from Ohio

151 hangover. Need apocalypse.

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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(801): View more from Utah

He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water

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(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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(517): View more from Michigan

hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..

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(415): View more from California

Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

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(937): View more from Ohio

Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.

(415): View more from California

Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'

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(785): View more from Kansas

She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(806): View more from Texas

Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you

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(415): View more from California

I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.

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(416): View more from Toronto

also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm

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(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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(435): View more from Utah

I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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(804): View more from Virginia

you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(209): View more from California

Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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(310): View more from California

I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(330): View more from Ohio

Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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(516): View more from New York

Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA

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(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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(801): View more from Utah

We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(310): View more from California

Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation

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(214): View more from Texas

You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!

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(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

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(708): View more from Illinois

Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

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(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

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(620): View more from Kansas

I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drinking loves me for WHO I am

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

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(360): View more from Washington

Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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(404): View more from Georgia

Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(702): View more from Nevada

This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change

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(702): View more from Nevada

The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(425): View more from Washington

Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just really need a hug and a shower beer

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.

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(516): View more from New York

What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?

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(316): View more from Kansas

At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!

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(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

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(734): View more from Michigan

The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(806): View more from Texas

Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot

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(916): View more from California

Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(360): View more from Washington

DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(847): View more from Illinois

better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say

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(614): View more from Ohio

There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.

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(614): View more from Ohio

lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

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(270): View more from Kentucky

True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(626): View more from California

My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(707): View more from California

Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday

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(419): View more from Ohio

He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(760): View more from California

I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just hotboxed my laundry basket.

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(310): View more from California

I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah...that's gonna come up in court

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?

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(914): View more from New York

The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule

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(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(305): View more from Florida

I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(313): View more from Michigan

An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(904): View more from Florida

Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.

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(607): View more from New York

I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?

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(712): View more from Iowa

He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"

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(614): View more from Ohio

There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me

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(208): View more from Idaho

Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(716): View more from New York

I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up

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(904): View more from Florida

Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(310): View more from California

Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.

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(361): View more from Texas

I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'

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(914): View more from New York

Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.

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(949): View more from California

July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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(607): View more from New York

I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(512): View more from Texas

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(972): View more from Texas

Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(734): View more from Michigan

Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on

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(206): View more from Washington

Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

he went at my nipples like a starved dog.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...

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(805): View more from California

how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted

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(541): View more from Oregon

Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.

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(850): View more from Florida

If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(207): View more from Maine

he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else

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(360): View more from Washington

Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

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