Texts From Last Night · Fireworkvault's Favorites

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Fireworkvault's Favorites Texts:

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore

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(940): View more from Texas

Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He yearns for your heart.

(678): View more from Georgia

He needs to stop being a pussy about it.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(530): View more from California

Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking

(530): View more from California

That could use a little rephrasing

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(305): View more from Florida

Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

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(917): View more from New York City

I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(614): View more from Ohio

he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(707): View more from California

I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(815): View more from Illinois

It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(248): View more from Michigan

absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(586): View more from Michigan

Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(248): View more from Michigan

The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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(256): View more from Alabama

She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(248): View more from Michigan

Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(302): View more from Delaware

do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(631): View more from New York

I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(773): View more from Illinois

At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me

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(586): View more from Michigan

A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women

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(281): View more from Texas

Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.

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(813): View more from Florida

Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.

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(415): View more from California

Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(818): View more from California

i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

my soul wont recognize me after tonight

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(402): View more from Nebraska

god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(951): View more from California

We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(816): View more from Missouri

In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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(424): View more from California

I'd wear matching sweaters with you

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(305): View more from Florida

Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(719): View more from Colorado

wanna go halves on a baby?

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(912): View more from Georgia

i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(765): View more from Indiana

my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(925): View more from California

I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

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(201): View more from New Jersey

halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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(571): View more from Virginia

capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(440): View more from Ohio

you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.

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(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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(817): View more from Texas

I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(320): View more from Minnesota

If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

i may or may not be watching the land before time

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

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(757): View more from Virginia

sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(714): View more from California

I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(979): View more from Texas

I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want to walk on stilts...naked

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(406): View more from Montana

That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(716): View more from New York

Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(312): View more from Illinois

i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

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(661): View more from California

I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.

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(818): View more from California

i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Heaven soaked bacon.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(707): View more from California

that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(419): View more from Ohio

idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

(248): View more from Michigan

he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

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(516): View more from New York

I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(443): View more from Maryland

There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(440): View more from Ohio

D3 body, D1 cock

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(410): View more from Maryland

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

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(956): View more from Texas

If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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