Texts From Last Night · Fellow's Favorites

Fellow's Favorites Texts:

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(574): View more from Indiana

some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

(1-574): View more from Indiana

class

(574): View more from Indiana

he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache

(225): View more from Louisiana

You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice

(504): View more from Louisiana

Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?

(225): View more from Louisiana

I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(718): View more from New York

no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(616): View more from Michigan

you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Da na na, na na naa

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I found somebody to have a 3 sum with

(586): View more from Michigan

shutup! Who?!?

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha April fools!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

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(214): View more from Texas

No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

(573): View more from Missouri

You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

(870): View more from Arkansas

I wish that would've worked

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(443): View more from Maryland

You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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