They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
