I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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