Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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