I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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