She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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