My first STD was from a foam party
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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