my phone needs a breathalizer
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
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