Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
