My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
