Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
