This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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