tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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