1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Drunk walkin through police station. America
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
