Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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