Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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