Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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