I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I cockslap morals
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Randomize
