Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
