and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
