Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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