Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
