I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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