So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
