If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
