can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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