She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
