I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
