Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
