Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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