Swine flu is the new snow day.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
