I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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